PUT ME IN
COACH. After some gentle but moist
fluffing from some of my closest friends, I decided to end my 8th
retirement from writing recaps of The Bachelor.
This season is simply too good to be true.
My process
in writing these recaps is simple…I cuddle up with my hot wife and time the 8pm
Monday night kick-off with the opening of a 3rd bottle of lightly
chilled Chianti. Sometimes I use a
blanket to keep warm, sometimes I just rest the ol’ Bill Gates machine (he
invented the laptop right?) on the boys and let technology do work. I then type out random thoughts that pop into
my head during the show, pausing only for the non-seldom topless Farmer Chris
shots and Chianti refills. My “random
scribblings” will serve you no purpose whatsoever. But since this is a 4-week-in-1 recap, I
thought I would start by at least attempting to catch you up to speed on some
important nuggets you need to be aware of in case you haven’t been watching the
MOST DRAMATIC SEASON IN BACHELOR HISTORY.
The Bachelor
Chris Soules is a farmer. The only
disclaimer I’ll give is that I think he’s honestly the best Bachelor that’s
ever been cast…best as in caring, genuine, blah blah blah marriage
material. Beyond that disclaimer, let’s
be honest...he’s a few crops short of a full harvest. If his harvest was heading to school, it
would be doing so on a short yellow bus.
It’s not that he’s dumb, it’s just that he has bad luck when
thinking. Regardless, I never thought
I’d see Chris Harrison crush on a dude harder than he did on Bachelor
Sean. But Chris H wants Chris S to
be. his. bae. But I digress.
In line for
Prince Farming’s heart we have Ashley S who redefines batsh*t crazy. I am confident that one day she walked
outside and forgot to cover her crazy, and a bat flew by and sh*t on it. We also have Ashley I, who I think was a
former Miss Unibrow contestant turned Kardashian who wants everyone to know
that she’s a virgin. She quickly proves
to America that she is in fact a virgin by attempting to deliver a first *kiss
to Chris (*kiss = swallow Chris’ face whole). We also saw an early front-runner
emerge – enter Britt, the gorgeous girl who never met a cheeseburger she didn’t
not like. In episode 4, she drops the
most passive aggressive line of questioning to Chris, rendering him udder-ly
speechless. The second disclaimer I’ll
give is that ‘udder’ was the first of many terrible farming jokes to come. Speaking of passive aggressive, we also have
Jillian, the most active aggressive contestant in Bachelor history. Jillian does Crossfit and we can only assume
her fellow cult members are proud of her for talking about her workouts
incessantly. #hardWODhardbod. Since we’ve seen limited footage on Becca
we’ll assume she’s an early front-runner as well. She just seems too perfect…ly
boring. We also have a cruise ship
singer named Carly who unfortunately has the batsh*t crazy eyes. I’m confident that
one day she walked outside without wearing her sunglasses and a bat literally
sh*t on her head and some of it dripped into her eyes. Another early front-runner is McKenzie…See:
CARLY. Last but not least (but close,
like 8th to least?) we met Tara who will surely end up on the “She
does what???” Bachelor contestant job title Hall of Fame. She’s a Sport Fishing Enthusiast. I hate to be a one-upper, but I once
slow-clapped while my big brother reeled in a small-mouth bass at the local
canal. Now onto the useless stuff…
RANDOM
SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:
·
The Bachelor hosted a red carpet event for the 1st
episode of the season that was as useless as a screen door on a submarine. All you need to know is that Nikki introduced
her two new friends to Bachelor fandom and Josh and Andi looked really happy
together.
·
The opening scenes featured farmer Chris
channeling his inner Top Gun, riding down the road in all-black leather,
ass-less chaps (at least they were in my mind), and aviators. Shortly thereafter, Vegas released betting
lines on the show and set the over/under for the number of times Chris Harrison
has fantasized about farmer Chris singing “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” to
him at 73.
·
I think it went largely unnoticed, but did
anyone else catch Chris pondering life on the steps of an abandoned building
during the opening scenes and wave at the creepy, old, beat-up, windowless red molester
van that rode by?
·
Deleted Scene #1: Chris Harrison, donning a fake moustache and
glasses, turns the red molester van back around, rolls his window down, and
tells farmer Chris his parents have sent him to pick him up and that there are
bags on bags of candy waiting for him in the back of the van.
·
In a retrospective moment, Prince Farming
wonders aloud, “Who would want to date a farmer from Iowa?” I know someone, and his name rhymes with
Dhris Marrison.
·
I tried to think of some farmer jokes but
everything I came up with was either really baaaa-d or just super corn-y. I’m just not a good comedi-hen.
·
Chris is concerned about his crop while he’s
away. I wonder how big of a hit his
annual celery will take.
·
If I was a pharmacist working on farm, I would
call myself a farmacist. It would be so damn literal.
·
I grew up in a farm town in upstate NY.
Every Fall when the leaves started to…fall…there was this creepy guy who would
walk around the village with an old rake and clean up everyone’s yards without
their consent. Most people in the village appreciated it, but he had a
tough time picking up chicks being known as the village rakeist.
·
Before the limo arrived with Chris’ potential
suitors we got a sneak peek at some of the women vying for his love. Jillian, a national news producer, admits she
can deadlift more than most guys she meets and thinks that may be intimidating
to some guys. DUH F*CKING DUH.
·
Alyssa is a flight attendant and had some killer
one-liners, such as “Roses may be handed out if you’re interested in finding
love” and “No smoking on this flight unless you’re smoking hot”. I liked where her head was at but think she
should have continued on. “Push my call
button if you want to make me come with one finger.” “Just because we haven’t crashed doesn’t mean
you can’t start searching for my box.”
“[Insert cock-pit / pea-nuts joke here]”.
·
Kaitlyn, the dance instructor who appears to be
an early front-runner, won the award for greatest line ever out of the
limo: “I know you’re a farmer…you can
plow the f*ck out of my field every day.”
How he didn’t propose on the spot plows my mind.
·
In the most memorable moment of episode 1, crazy
Ashley S was in the middle of making a terrible “love is like an onion” analogy
when all of a sudden she lost her sh*t because she thought she spotted an
onion. It was actually a pomegranate.
She could have totally redeemed herself by saying, “This is a once in a
lifetime opportunity to find love, and I won’t take it for pomegranate.”
·
In Kindergarten I had a pet onion named Pete
that I would carry around everywhere. One
day I accidentally dropped Pete while crossing the street and he cracked in
half. I rushed him to the hospital and
the Doctor gave me good and bad news.
Pete was going to survive, but he was going to be a vegetable for the
rest of his life.
·
The first group date featured the girls racing
tractors through downtown LA. One of the
girls ran over two geese and got goose bumps.
·
Deleted Scene #2: A sobbing Chris Harrison, dressed in Daisy
Dukes and topless with the exception of a black leather vest, hops on a tractor
and heads straight toward the girls in a game of chicken while blasting Bonnie
Tyler’s “Holding Out For A Hero” on his boombox (some of you may be too young
for this reference).
·
The biggest mystery of the show revolves around
why ABC keeps putting a black bar on Jillian’s a$$ when she’s walking around
the house. Tara believes it’s because
she’s seen first-hand that Jillian has a super hairy derriere. Jillian could have one-upped Kaitlyn’s first
line out of the limo: “I know you’re a
farmer…you’ll need your tractor to plow my bush.”
·
If Chris were a betting man it would probably be
safe for him to bet the farm that Jillian’s favorite First Lady is either Laura
or Barbara Bush.
·
Jimmy Kimmel stars in Episode 3 and absolutely
kills it. Probably the funniest episode
in Bachelor history. I had a pretty
funny friend in high school named Kimmy Jimmel.
We called her Kim Jim for short. If
she were Asian I’m almost confident I would try to give her the nickname Kim
Jim Un.
·
Jimmy sends Chris and Kaitlyn on a date to
Costco and asks them to get enough ketchup to fill the hot tub with. I didn’t think Kaitlyn had staying power in
Heinzsight I was wrong – the date was a huge success.
·
Another group date had the girls complete a race
where they had to shuck corn, crack eggs, milk a goat and drink it, shovel
manure, and finally wrestle a grease pig.
I get it if Chris wanted to test their farm skills, but drinking goat
milk? How dairy do that. (I’m almost done with those, seriously.)
·
It would have sucked to have been the goat that
Jillian milked. This isn’t a joke, I’m
just making an observation.
·
Jillian’s grip is the only hand that can beat a
Royal Flush.
·
Jillian heard nothing is stronger than her grip,
so her grip tracked down nothing and killed it.
·
Jillian finally got her first kiss from Chris in
the hot tub. Chris had to seek immediate
medical attention for 2nd degree burns from her moustache
stubble.
·
To open the 4th episode, Chris’ two
of Chris’ sisters and Kate Gosselin came from Iowa to interview some of the
girls and choose a one-on-one date for Chris.
·
All the girls were excited to see Chris’ sisters
except for Jillian who was drooling on a raft by the pool in what we can only
assume was some sort of paleo-induced food coma.
·
Another group date featured several women going
camping with Chris. Ashley I, the
virgin, virgin camper snuck away to get some alone time with Chris when the
rest of the girls fell asleep. The cameras
had to stop rolling when it got too f*cking in-tents.
·
Deleted Scene #3: Chris Harrison slips on his black silk nighty
and sneaks into Bachelor Chris’ tent but Ashley I. heard the tent unzip before
he entered. When confronted, Chris
Harrison spoke in a deep manly voice, “Sorry...it’s me Jillian…wrong tent.”
·
During the camping excursion, the girls discover
that Kelsey is phony bologna. I once ate
a slice of phony bologna and had to call in fake sick to work the next
day.
·
Chris Harrison keeps asking Bachelor Chris if he
wants to play Brokeback Mountain. More
concerning is the fact that he keeps sneaking up behind Chris and spitting on
his hand.
·
Jade received the date card for her one-on-one
and it read, “Your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow
evening.” She should have wrote Chris
back and said, “I may be nervous but I promise I won’t gag when I get to the
ball.”
·
On Jillian’s one-on-one date with Chris, she
finally comes up for air and asks what has to be the worst one-on-one question
in the history of the show, perhaps a strange modification of the game
F-Marry-Kill. Drumroll please…and I quote, “Would rather sleep with a homeless
girl or abstain from sex for four or five years.”
·
Deleted Scene #4: Jillian asked Chris Harrison, “F-Marry-Kill…Sean
Lowe, Juan Pablo, and Chris Soules?”
Chris said he would kill Juan Pablo and immediately went into cardia
arrest.
·
In the best moment of the season so far, Britt
confronted Chris about giving Kaitlyn a rose and Chris put together a 45-second
gem consisting of 18 separate, incomplete and incoherent sentences. If I were Britt, I would have pretended to
scratch invisible turn tables every time he started a new sentence.
That’s all
for now folks. It’s Game Day…let the
vino flow the salmon of Capistrano.
