Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 8 (Ashley Hebert season)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

Week 8 was very special to me as we saw the departure of Mr. Ames Brown. His forehead will always hold a very special place in my heart and has brought me tremendous joy over the past 8 weeks. The first part of this email is dedicated solely to that lovely piece of flesh. I would like to say that I think Ames is one of the most genuine, cool guys to ever hit the show. But nevertheless, the comedy must go on:

• It used to be fun when you would be drinking with a big group of friends and write on the forehead of the first guy who passed out. A friend of mine once had a sleepover with Ames and he passed out first. They were able to write half of the Bible on that bad boy.
• I had a dream that Ames walked into my apartment. I shook Ames’ hand first, and then I shook Ames’ forehead’s hand.
• Told this joke the other day…Ames walked into a bar. His forehead ducked.
• Ames’ forehead once one Connect Four in three moves.
• A buddy of mine once played golf with Ames. He said it was really annoying. Every time he hit a shot, they all had to yell ‘FOREHEAD!’
• Ames doesn’t believe in foreplay, he believes in forehead.
• Ames is a hedge fund manager. He would have a brighter future as a forehedge fund manager.
• Dos Equis has lied to you. Dos Equis man is not most interesting man in the world. Ames’ forehead is.
• I would only accept a Google+ invite from Ames’ forehead.
• Ames’ forehead knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
• I wonder how many variations of “Why did Ames’ forehead cross the road?” there are now.
• Ames’ once had a migraine but his forehead felt fine.
• The sweat from Ames’ forehead could cure cancer.
• Ames got pulled for speeding but his forehead talked its way out of the ticket.
• Elton John is actually trisexual. He likes men, women, and Ames’ forehead.
• Ames was on vacation in Japan in 2010. He was in the Indian ocean and accidentally scrunched his forehead. Perhaps you heard of the aftermath on the news…the Haiti Tsunami of 2010.
• Rumor has it that the real reason Ames got kicked off the show was because his forehead tested positive for steroids.
• AMES FOREHEAD JOKE BREAK...(sort of)...
• Ashley got to return home to Philadelphia. I once knew a girl from Philadelphia named Ashley. She also was a life suck.
• Comment most overhead by women on Saturday and Sunday mornings by the women of Buckhead: “There was a part of me that felt like I wasn’t 100% sure about saying goodbye to Ryan so early.”
• Ashley said Ames was one of the most unique guys she has ever met. Since when did people start using the word unique to describe large foreheads.
• Ashley doesn’t think Ames has any idea how unique he is. I once knew a guy named Dominique who was pretty unique. It was almost so damn literal.
• JP first kissed Ashley by flipping a coin and telling her, “Heads I get a kiss…tails I do not.” The next time he does that, he should try this variation: “Heads I get tail…tails I get head.”
• I once tried the above line on a girl. It was a double-tailed coin.
• Ashley asked if he was happy as a clam to be home. I never met a happy clam before, but if I ever do, I think it would be mean to eat it.
• I once ate an unhappy clam, and it upset my stomach.
• My Mom cooks a mean happy Apple Pie.
• Constantine’s sister Maria…HELLO! I just added 371 girls on Facebook named Maria who live in Cumming, GA. I heard back from one of them. It was a typo, his name was Mario. We are grabbing pizza this Wednesday night. Check please!
• Ashley joked that she cooks up a mean PBJ. If the P was not in there, it would be much cooler.
• TWSSMOTS (That’s What She Said Moment of the Show): Ashley said she likes her pizza organized. Constantine replied with, “that’s why your pepperoni’s are so perfect.”
• While the rest of Constantine’s family danced the jig in a circle, Grandma Constantine sat on the couch. She wanted to Dougie.
• Ames was really rude on his hometown date. He wouldn’t let his forehead get a word in edgewise.
• Ashley thinks Ames is like an onion, where you can keep peeling away and find more and more layers. I think Ames is more like one of those peanuts where you crack open the shell and there is nothing inside, except a large forehead.
• Ames’ parents both have normal sized foreheads. Weird. If I were Ames’ Dad, I would take a closer look at the old milkman.
• Ames told Ashley he was unpopular in high school. DFD! (Duh f*cking duh!).
• I bet Ames’ forehead was Homecoming King in high school.
• Ashley told Ames that they think the exact same way about things. It’s because Ames’ forehead can read minds.
• Ames once took his forehead to get its mind read. The mindreader’s head exploded.
• Ben was excited he finally has a chance to explore his emotional side. I once tried to explore my emotional side. I blacked out and woke up next to an empty bottle of Jameson, a midget, a priest, and I had a sore jaw.
• JP was trying to hint to Ashley that they were going roller skating by asking her “Think of fun indoor activities in the rain.” I yelled at the television, “JUST THE TIP!!”
• Andrew Zelman once took a girl roller skating. They made out 47 times before the first song was over.
• Ames was a gentleman after he was denied the final rose, but his forehead wouldn’t stop giving Ashley the middle finger.

Happy Bachelorette viewing tomorrow night. Stay tuned for the announcement of a BACHELORETTE FINALE VIEWING PARTY in Atlanta, coming next week.

Love,

-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 6 (Ashley Hebert)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

• The correct term for “dot dot dot” is ELLIPSIS – indicates the omission or suppression of words, or parts of words, in speech and writing.” I bet if you asked Ashley the definition of ELLIPSIS, she would tell you it is a piece of cardio equipment.
• Part of Ashley’s heart is with Bentley in the United States. Part of my heart is with Chris Harrison in Hong Kong.
• I once locked part of my heart in my car.
• Chris Harrison was rocking hipster gray shoes. I’m still holding out hope he will break out Jesus sandals, so they become hip again, and I can break mine out of the closet.
• If Jesus wore Jesus sandals, it would be so damn literal.
• If I played Donkey Kong in Hong Kong, I wonder if that would be so damn literal on any level.
• Chris Harrison is an amateur. If the man had any game, he would have told Ashley to show up to “Bentley’s room” with a blindfold on and advised her to go straight for the make-out sesh to see if there was still a spark. All the while giving her his room number. Duh.
• Ashley was outside of Bentley’s door for a solid 2 minutes before deciding to knock. I wonder if she was trying to knock mentally but no one was answering.
• I once met Bradley Cooper on a plane, and his breathtaking musk almost knocked me off my feet. I have never met Bentley, but I imagine Bentley’s musk > Bradley Cooper’s musk.
• When Ashley asked Bentley what he was doing in Hong Kong, he should have told her he had a hankering for some Kung Pao Chicken.
• Ashley told Bentley when he left it was “hard for me for days”. Bentley should have replied with, “I saw a commercial on TV…if it’s hard for more than 4 hours you should consult a doctor."
• I once took a Viagra but it got stuck in my throat. I had a stiff neck for hours.
• Lucas’ date card read, “Let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong.” If Lucas played the Hong Kong lottery on his date and won, that fortune cookie would have been so damn literal.
• Lucas said realizing his ex-wife wasn’t right for him was a tough thing to swallow. The hardest thing I’ve ever tried to swallow was 6 saltine crackers in 1 minute without water. 
• The group date card read “Let’s get our hearts racing!”. If Chris Harrison would have broken out a fresh bag of cocaine, it would have been so damn literal.
• Ames asked if Ashley wouldn’t mind if he kissed her. I once asked a girl that question and she replied with, “Is the Pope Catholic?” I said, “DUH!”, and walked away. In hindsight, I think I blew it.
• Line of the show I also heard from Zelman this week: "This week I have a one on one date and two group dates…and I’m so excited for every one of them.”
• The group date involved dragon boat racing. I bet Ames’ forehead could row faster than Ames.
• Ben F and Constantine decided to go shopping instead of recruiting people for their dragon boat race team. WINNING!
• Hong Kong guy proposed to Hong Kong girl after the dragon boat races. Ashley asked what the chances were. I would have told her > chances of Mickey’s hair gel beating Ames forehead in said HBO fight.
• Swimmers can shave off their body hair to become more aerodynamic. Unfortunately, Ames can not shave off his forehead.
• Ryan P decided to rock the goatee this episode. If he could somehow manage to get a goat to drink out of a cup full of tea, it would be so damn literal.
• Ames and Ashley shared their first kiss. Ames was overheard telling producers it was much better than the last guy he kissed.
• Did Ames kiss Ashley, or was it a contest to see who could push each other’s faces harder with their noses.
• Mickey said Ryan P would not get a rose, but he did. Mickey then commented that he is going to keep his mouth shut because everything he says won’t happen actually does happen. If I were Mickey, I would find a camera and state, “Ashley will not turn into Emily.”
• Blake doesn’t want to play second fiddle to anyone. If Justin Bieber ever needed a second fiddle player, I would volunteer.
• It would have been the most dramatic cocktail party ever if Ashley told everyone she couldn’t drink at the party because she had mentally slept with Brad Womack last season and they were mentally 6 months preggers.
• Ashley wanted to make all of the guys feel great but she doesn’t know how to do it. She needs to learn about mental happy endings.
• Ames received the last rose. He looked relieved, but his forehead was giving Ashley the evil eye.

No standings updates and no best texts received. Sorry I'm not sorry it's a holiday weekend. Happy 4th of July!

Love,

-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 5 (Ashley Hebert)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:
· Everyone seems to believe Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love with Ashley. I think the perfect place to fall in love with Ashley would be in the back of a '57 Chevy.
· Ben F tried on a Thai hat that didn't fit and Ashley said "Your head is too big." If I were Ben F, I would have responded with, "It's not the motion in the ocean that counts, it's the size of the wave."
· Let's get this over with...Top 3 Quotes From The Show That Were Also Heard In Andrew Zelman's Bedroom This Weekend:
1. "If you can't find romance in this type of environment, you're hopeless." - Multiple guys regarding Chiang Mai
2. "I've never seen anything like this in my entire life." - Ashley regarding the temple her and Ben F sat outside of.
3. "Your head is too big." - See above.
· Ben F and Ashley could not physically kiss outside of the Chiang Mai temple because it is sacrilegious to kiss there. Instead, they shared a "mental kiss". I don't even know where to begin, but here goes nothing:
o I never mental kiss on the first date.
o I once had a mental kiss. I immediately needed to smoke a cigarette afterward.
o The girl I had a mental kiss with had eaten garlic fries on our mental date and had mental bad breath. It was a deal breaker.
o I once tried to have mental sex, but I was out drinking all night and had whiskey mind.
o I wonder what percentage of Americans have mental STDs.
o What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except for mental herpes. That sh*t will come back with you.
o I once got a girl mentally pregnant. I thought a good name for our mental baby would be Rodrigo. She did not agree, but we had a mental miscarriage so it ended up being an irrelevant argument.
o If Zelman was in a mental night club, I guarantee he would sneak in at least 3 mental drunk makeouts.
o I once received a mental happy ending from a Thai "masseuse". We are still Facebook friends to this day.
· Ben F and his best friend from middle school learned how to make wine, and they are now millionaires starting on their second vinyard. My best friend from middle school and I made lemonade and sold each glass for $1. It tasted like dogsh*t and we never got the traction we envisioned, even after we laced it with orange juice. I defriended him on Facebook a year ago.
· ABC kept cutting away to flaming fire when Ben F and Ashley were kissing. If I were on the show, I would request ABC cut away to a whale's blowhole shooting water out. No rhyme or reason, I just think it would be awesome.
· The group date took place at a Thailand martial arts training center. It would have been great if the Thai head master mentally kissed Ashley in front of all of the guys.
· Ryan P said the martial arts training was testosterone at its finest. I had a mental health check-up the other day and they said my mental testosterone was low. Sorry I'm not sorry for drinking Mountain Dew.
· JP got to fight Mickey. He should have called him Minnie to get inside his head.
· Poor Ames. I tried to put myself in his shoes by imagining me having to attend a Georgia Frat Boy Look-A-Like contest.
· Ames got his face beat in. At first I thought his forehead was swollen, but then I remembered it was Ames.
· Ames is smooth, but if he wanted to step his game up he should tell Ashley, "I'm all for head" and wink at her. ZING!
· Ames was put on a stretcher and taken to a Thai hospital. Or so ABC would like you to think. I can actually read Thai, and the sign on the door of the "hospital" actually said "Happy Endings: Buy 2 Get 1 Free!". Crazy Thai ambulance drivers...
· When Ames showed up to the cocktail hour, it would have been hilarious if Ryan P socked him in the face again.
· Apparently golfing is a lot like making love. Lucas, showing Ashley how to swing a golf club: "The ball's right here. You always want to cock your wrist. Feet parallel to the shoulders. Bend your knees. Now stick out your butt."
· William and Ben C were chosen to go on the dreaded 2 on 1 date. William commented that "2 dudes and 1 girl is awkward." No William, it's natural.
· Ben C got sent home and had to ride a raft back with two Thai dudes. 2 Thai dudes and 1 dude would be awkward.
· William said the best thing that could happen on his date with Ashley is that the sparks would fly again. He obviously has never had mental sex before.


Happy Bachelorette Viewing!

Love,
-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 4 (Ashley Hebert)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

Chris Harrison is such a damn trendsetter. The first three episodes he wore skinny ties, and I have purchased three since. Last week he wore a gold watch, and my Rolex is in the mail. I really hope he rocks Jesus sandals next week.

When Chris Harrison announced they would all be going to Thailand, everyone erupted in cheer. I wonder what percentage of guys were excited about a free trip to an exotic country and what percentage of guys were excited about the thought of legal prostitution.

Statistics show 1 in 10 people have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). So at least 1 person was not excited about traveling to Thailand.

If I were a betting man, I would bet the farm that Ryan P is the one with IBS. Sure, that cheesy smile makes him appear happy, but deep down he is likely just clenching.

Ashley wanted to know what the best things to do in Thailand were. Hint, one of those things rhymes with “regal trostitution”.

Line of the show you would hear Andrew Zelman say on a weekly basis if he were female: "I’m trying to plan a date here. I have 12 guys here, and they’re hot."

I wonder if the Thai people have ever seen The Bernie.

Ben F is super excited to see Ashley in Thailand. I like to picture my Ashley in a tuxedo t-shirt.

Constantine had a nice topless shaving shot before his date. If only Constantine were Brad Womack.

Constantine said regarding his date with Ashley, “Best case scenario – we got out and have a blast today and get to know each other better.”

I think the best case scenario on any date is to agree to add each other on Facebook before the date is over. A distant second best scenario would be a smush session.

ABC showed Creepy Thailand guy talking in Thai to Ashley and Constantine and the subtitles indicated that he was telling them the waves were too rough to go out on the water. However, Hickey can talk Thai. Hickey talk Thai very well. Creepy Thailand guy actually asked Constantine if he was interested in a 19-year old prostitute.

Free advice for dudes. If you go on a first date, do not wear a light grey shirt. Pit stains are a deal-breaker in any country.

Moment of the show where I hit the pause button and played Michael Jackson's "Heal the World": When the group date card read “Let’s make the world a better place.” It made things much more literal.

Taking Creepy Thailand guy’s advice on marriage, Constantine proposed a toast to “not trying to win.” Charlie Sheen would call this an epic fail.

Constantine asked Ashley to race down the streets in Thailand. It would have been funny if while they were racing, Thailand police jumped out of the bushes and started to beatdown Constantine. I don’t know why it would be funny, but it would be funny.

Constantine and Ashley sat Indian-style on their date. I would have been screwed. I tried to sit Indian style while watching that scene and had to call my leasing office the next morning to help me unlock my legs.

Ashley said she felt good just being next to Constantine on their date. If I had a nickel for every time a girl told me that I would have 5 cents, if by girl I meant guy.

I wish Ashley had asked Constantine why his parents named him Constantine.

Constantine gave Ashley a piggy back ride into the ocean. I bet he just really had to pee.

Ben F wanted to personalize things at the orphanage and painted an elephant on the wall with Ashley. If I were Ben F, I would have painted a Wendy’s logo and told Ashley I taste great even late.

Ryan P had a shirt on that said “Cuba”. If his shirt said “Thailand”, it would have been so damn literal.

After the contestants finished the home renovations, the Thai kids ran out of the woods and gave high-fives and hugs. Statistics show 1 in 10 of them will become legal prostitutes.

Quote of the show I hear on a weekly basis: “I think the reason the guys feel irritated with Ryan is because of the intimidation factor."

Ashley referenced JP's shaved head when stating how sexy he was. So you're saying there's a chance!

Ames' date card read "It's more romantic in the rain." Enough said. If I were Ames I would have just showed up naked.

Is it true you can't get pregnant from "romancing" in the rain? Or is that just hot tubs?

I know it was raining, but Ames should have not ran to Ashley. I zoomed out on the TV and could have sworn my TV magically switched to National Geographic, where they were airing a scene of a baby deer standing on its legs for the first time on National Geographic.

Instead of saying baby deer, I was going to say “fawn”, but I question the intelligence of those on this email list.

If I were Ames’, I would not hesitate to the drop the “You know what they say about guys with big foreheads…” line.

Ames' forehead should be its own contestant.

Ames took a Thai cooking class in Thailand. If he were wearing Ryan P’s “Thailand” shirt, it would be so damn literal.

Ames told Ashley, "The last minute is the best minute." If I had to vote for the most confusing minute I would vote for 12:00…because I never know whether to call it AM or PM.

Regarding her kayak trip through the Thailand mountains, Ashley stated, “This is the most beautiful place I could ever imagine." Incorrect. That would be Zelman's bedroom.

Ames and Ashley felt like they were on the Titanic on their boat trip. It would have been a perfect time for Ames to ask Ashley if he could paint a nude portrait of her.

Ames said he couldn’t focus on Ashley because he was "dumbfounded by the views." I’m not sure “founded by the views” was a necessary part of his sentence.

Ames charmed the pants off of me. For a second there I swore he took on the shape of a unicorn.

Moment of the show that left me waiting for the punchline: Ames - “Ashley and I didn’t kiss tonight but we did something much more intimate than kiss…we talked about very serious things.”

Ashely said her woman’s intuition is telling her there is more there with Bentley. I wonder if it’s also telling her that she does not need to get breast implants.

West is going home. If he was heading back to the East coast it would not really be literal.

BEST TEXTS RECEIVED DURING THE SHOW:1. Kellan "The Saint" Quinn: "'Are you getting wet?' would be my first question on a date, and the answer would most likely be yes."
2. "Nurse" Gavin Hickey: "I am drunk. Raime told me to I had to take a shot every time Ashley mentioned Bentley."
3. Justin "I'm Not A" Messer: (Regarding Ames' charm): "I had to close one eye to even look at him."
4. Brenda "B-Nice" Richelt: "Can we get The Bachelor soundtrack for the 1050 pool?"



You can do anything you set your mind to. Set your mind to blackout this weekend.



Love,
-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 3 (Ashley Hebert)

Spiders. Old Spice Deodorant. Cabbage. Snuggies. Chest hair. Busy signals. Red pens. Thumb tacs. Tic Tacs. Race tracks. Chest hair. Halogen light bulbs. Crabs (Hermit, not STD). John Denver. Denver Nuggets. Clowns. Face tattoos. The Notebook. Ketchup packets. Chest hair. Dead bolts. Bentley.
This is a list of things I have nightmares about.

Three weeks into Ashley's search for true television romance and the tension is palpable. I don't know about you, but I haven't had a tingling sensation this tingling-y since my 2nd grade (male) teacher gave me that special back rub after snack time. Will Ashley be able to overcome Bentley's heartbreaking blow? Will Mickey run out of hair gel? Will William ask people to start calling him Bill?
RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:· In Week 2, Creepy Mask Guy revealed he had a brain hemorrhage 5 years ago. I promised not to make fun of Creepy Mask Guy anymore. But then I saw Creepy Mask Guy in his creepy mask.
· I hope Ashley is not a vegetarian, because Ben C has more hamburger meat (chest hair sticking out of his shirt) than any man I’ve ever seen. 2-4 strands of hamburger meat away from Gorilla status.
· I could have choreographed a much better flash mob than Ashley and in much less time. We simply would have done The Bernie, and it would have rocked.
· Ben earned my respect with his dance moves. Ben lost my respect when he sang along to “Fly Like a G6”.
· Ashley should have flashed the mob during the flash mob. It would have been so damn literal.
· Far East Movement played a concert in the courtyard. It’s a good thing they announced their band name, because before that I was convinced it was a group of Asian mimes pretending to be in a band.
· It would have been great if the Asian mimes started doing The Bernie.
· Going to an Asian mime show would be a cool first date.
· Ben could have earned my respect back if he asked Far East Movement to play Freebird.
· Ben wants to live in a bubble with Ashley and be the most idealistic couple ever. If I lived in a bubble, I would want to live in a bubble with Michael Jackson’s monkey named Bubbles. In a weird way it would be so damn literal.
· Ben C wanted to know if it’s ok to put emoticons in his texts to girls. DUH!
· When Creepy Mask Guy took his creepy mask off, ABC cut away to a squirrel and a bird. If I was wearing a creepy mask and took it off, I would request ABC cut away to a flaming unicorn.
· It would have been an epic fail if when Creepy Mask Guy took his creepy mask off Ashley said, “Epic fail.”
· Creepy Mask Guy thinks the comedy club roast is right up his alley. I think the only thing that would be right up his alley is a Creepy Mask Off, in which contestants tried on Creepy Mask Guy's creepy mask to see if they could look creepier than Creepy Mask Guy.
· Jeffrey Ross (host of the Roast) stated “if you can make a woman laugh at herself, you can make her do anything." I immediately called Zelman and told him I would sell him my “How to Make Women Laugh At Themselves for Dummies” book for $2,500 and he said yes without hesitation.
· Ashley took offense to being called Brad Womack’s leftovers. I saw it as a compliment. If I were about to go to the electric chair, I would request my last meal be Brad Womack’s leftovers.
· Thank you to Bentley for confirming girls love bad guys who will treat them like complete dogsh*t (this is not meant to be funny, I’m simply making a (bitter) statement).
· Bentley said 60% of guys are “boob guys”. I wonder what percentage of guys have man boobs.
· Lines heard on last week’s show most I have also heard Andrew Zelman say in the past week:
o “I’m at a disadvantage because she hasn’t seen my face yet.” (Creepy Mask Guy)
o “She’s digging what I’m putting out and I’m gonna go in for the kill.” (Bentley)
o “It’s annoying to just hold a girl that’s just crying and crying and crying.” (Bentley)
o “I can’t believe all these guys wanna date me.” (CHECK PLEASE!)
· Ashley is a stiff-lipped kisser. I once kissed a stiff-lipped kisser and immediately defriended her on Facebook. And that never happens.
· Ashley and Chris Harrison agree that “dot dot dot” is better than a period. I wonder where semicolons fall in this hierarchy.
· I feel like “semicolon” should be spelled “semi;colon”. It would be so damn literal.
· Ashley wanted to know why JP was single. If I were JP, I would have said, “I’m not sure. But if I worked at UPS I imagine I would never hear a complaint about my package if you know what I’m sayin’”.
· Disclaimer: the above line is only effective with the wink and the gun afterward. Double-gun may be required.
· Ashley wanted JP to put on his PJs. That is almost so damn literal.
· At the final rose ceremony, William stated that he felt like a giant a$$ for what he said to Ashley during the roast. You are what you eat? Check please!


Have a great week and Happy Bachelorette viewing tomorrow.

Love,
-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 1 (Ashley Hebert)

US Actress Gloria Swanson (1899-1983) said it best with her famous adage "Never say never...life is too full of rich possibilities to have restrictions placed upon it." Justin Bieber said it bestest with his recent gem "Never Say Never". They said flying was impossible...Orville and and Wilbur Wright laughed. They said the iPhone was the greatest smartphone ever...and then the Droid came out. They say we will never land on the moon...I'm confident one day we will. They, and many of you beloved Fantasy Bachelorette League members, swore there was no way Season 7 of The Bachelorette could be as entertaining as the train wreck that was Brad Womack last season...and then last night happened. BAM. Season opener. Ashley somehow transformed from a "6.5" to a "9" within 6 weeks, Chris Harrison's eyes have that sparkle back that's been missing since 2006, guys are wearing creepy masks, and dudes are pulling Patrick Kelleys (getting hammered and snoring in the middle of a party). Call me crazy but I have a feeling we are all in for the most dramatic season ever...

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

• Showing the scenes from last season made me long for Womack. It was as if I had been living the last 3 months in a wheelchair and was suddenly given the ability to walk again upon the sight of his face.



• Ashley belly shirts are this season's equivalent of Brad shirtless.



• Ashley's biggest fear is that she will fall in love and it will not be reciprocated. I think her biggest fear should be waking up in the morning and being a "6.5" again.



• Sign that skinny ties are the new black: Chris Harrison wearing a skinny tie.



• Ryan (Solar Panel guy) said he is hoping to find the most powerful thing in the world. That thing can only be found in Andrew Zelman's bed.



• Ames thinks its sexy to love what you do. I think it's sexy to be a ballerina in a belly shirt.



• Bentley is divorced and wants Emily to be the Bachelorette. I think we would get along famously. 



• When Ashley's limo pulled up and they were going to introduce her as The Bachelorette, it would have been great if Emily got out in a surprise twist.



• Chris Harrison has mad game. But I wonder if he has mad game without ABC cue cards.



• If I had a sister, I would recommend she date Chris Harrison. Or Andrew Zelman.



• Ashley's teeth are whiter than my Georgia frat boy friends. I wonder how dentists decide which dentist they want to go to.



• Ashley got excited when she heard that one of the contestants was a single Dad. So you're saying there's a chance!! (kidding)



• DO's and DONT's when making a first impression on Ashley out of a limo:






• DO: Have dimples.



• DONT: Be named Mickey. And if your name is Mickey, don't try to kiss Ashley. Or anyone for that matter.



• DO: Speak French.



• DONT: Wear a creepy mask.



• DO: Use pink floss to tie a pretend wedding ring on Ashley's finger.



• DONT: Be named Anthony, from NYC, speak like an Italian, wear a golden chain, and have three buttons of your button-down shirt undone revealing vast forest of hamburger meat (chest hair).



• West was smooth with his, "You know, opposite of East and slight North of South" line. My new line is going to be "Hickey, you know, a reddish mark on the skin caused by amorous kissing, biting, or sucking." It's so damn literal.



• If I was a contestant and I was getting out of the limo, I would drop some variation of "If you think this limo is long..." on Ashley.



• Most likely to reveal in a future show that he walked around episode 1 with a giant stick up his a$$: Ames.



• If walking around like you have a giant stick up your a$$ is cool than consider Ames to be Miles Davis.



• IIHANFETIHT (If I had a nickel for every time I heard this) Moment of the Show: "Ryan is the total package.     He’s gorgeous, smart, successful, and has such a positive outlook on life."



• One dude called his Mom when he got 1 on 1 time with Ashley. I would have called Zelman.



• Jeff (Creepy Mask Guy) is an "Entrepreneuer". I wonder if he owns a business that sells creepy masks.



• Most likely to sport a creepy mask next show: Creepy Mask Guy.



• It would have been great if Ashley said she planned on giving the 1st impression rose to the guy with the creepiest mask. All of the guys would have been jealous of Creepy Mask Guy.



• Will lists his occupation as a Cell Phone Salesman. He would have a better shot with Ashley if he lied and told her he worked at Creepy Mask Guy's company.



• Will, referring to Drunk Tim, stated "I don't know why anyone drinks as much as they do and feels its appropriate." Never have liked Will, never will.



• Did this bottle of wine drink itself?



• If getting hammered and snoring is wrong, maybe I'm not meant to be on The Bachelorette after all.

Sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windshield. Be the windshield this weekend.



Love,
-Hickey

Bachelor Fantasy Recap: Week 9 (Brad Womack)

There comes a time in everyone’s life where tough decisions need to be made. Some decisions are tougher than others. Should I go to college at Syracuse or UGA (Do I want to be cold but intelligent or warm but uneducated)? Should I buy a Nissan Rogue or a BMW 7-series (Do I want to be a chick magnet or do I want to drive a BMW 7-series)? Should I order Coors Light or a Vodka Red Bull (Should I order Coors Light and a Vodka Red Bull)? Should I watch The Notebook on this lonely Wednesday night or should I watch The Hangover (Should I just write that I am in a glass case of emotion and in desperate need of watching The Notebook for the 78^th time or should I pose a question as if I’m actually considering watching a non-chick-flick)? Does Justin Timberlake rip the lyrics harder on ‘Bye Bye Bye’ or does JC Chasez (Do I prefer a nice falsetto and blond tips or greater vocal range and sexy eyes?) Do I wear my Ed Hardy Deep-V out tonight or should I wear my pastel-colored polo (Do I want to be a chick magnet or do I want to wear my pastel-colored polo)? Should I comment on someone’s post on my FB wall as soon as I get the email notification or should I wait 7 hours and act like I was really busy at work (Hi, is anyone on this email list not my Facebook friend yet (www.facebook.com/rdhickey)?

9 weeks into The Bachelor...Fantasy Suite cards are running rampant in South Africa, women are starting to feel vulnerable, Womack is rubbing his earlobes more and more as he gets more and more confused, Seal is wondering how Kiss From A Rose fell out of ABC’s graces, and the set-up is complete for the greatest piece of television any of us will experience since Leo Dicaprio was a special guest on Growing Pains ~ the Women Tell All episode next week.

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

• Offering three separate women a Fantasy Suite card on three consecutive nights…there is a book written about this called “A Week in the Life of Andrew Zelman”



• Brad flew first class to South Africa. He should have dropped some variation of “It’s not the size of the cockpit that matters…” on the flight attendant.


• Best line of the show that could only be funny if your head is in the gutter: “I’m sitting here looking at South African bush…I’m on a safari…this is a dream.”



• 2^nd best line of the show that could only be funny if your head is in the gutter: “You can’t be in the bush without a safari hat.”



• I wish ABC would have invited WWF’s The Bushwackers to be the safari tour guides. It would have been so damn literal.



• Instant reaction to Brad in a Crocodile Hunter-style safari hat: Looks. Like. A. Complete. Chach.


• Possible Epic Fail moment of the show that never happened: Brad asks Chantal to locate South Africa on a map.



• Chantal wore jorts on her safari date with Brad. Did she go to University of Florida or was it some sort of inside joke?



• I wish it would have rained on Brad’s safari date with Chantal, and Brad was clever enough to say “I bless the rains down in Africa”…and ABC was clever enough to play Toto’s song “Africa” at the same time. It would have been so damn literal.



• Webster’s Dictionary Moment of the Show, brought to you by Chantal ~ “Being engaged means you promise to that person you will be marrying them.”  Thank you.



• When they showed the lions sleeping in the jungle, how did they not play Billy Joel’s “In the Jungle”? It would have been so damn literal.



• When Brad and Chantal laid down in bed together in the Fantasy Suite it would have been a perfect time for them to cut away to a monkey-humping shot…while playing “In The Jungle” by Billy Joel.



• Best pick-up line Brad should have used but didn’t: “I’ve always been good at navigating the bush.”



• Second best pick-up line that Brad should have used but didn’t: “Is that a monkey crawling in our bed or am I just happy to see you?”



• I wonder if Emily smelled Chantal’s perfume on Brad?



• Emily wants to know if a 5-year old daughter is too much for Brad. I think a beta fish that can magically feed itself and clean its own bowl would be too much for Brad.



• Emily says daggone a lot. If her grammar is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.



• If I were a lion, I would try to find a zebra to eat. If there were no Zebra’s around, I would eat Emily.



• A monkey runs more like a human than Brad Womack.



• When Brad showed up straddling a South African guy on an elephant, Emily said it was her dream. It is also my dream.



• Confirmation that cargo pants are the new black: Brad wearing cargo pants.



• Brad pulled Ashley aside and left Emily and Chantal standing waiting for the final rose ceremony. If I were an EMT on site, I would have tried my daggone hardest to convince Emily she is about to succumb to heat stroke and requires immediate mouth to mouth.




• When Brad said “just the two of us” for the 11^th time during the show, I thought for sure they were setting up a guest appearance by Will Smith and young Jayden.

Sorry for the two week lay-off. Advice for the weekend: Don't get drunk and lock yourself out of your apartment.


Love,
-Hickey

Bachelor Fantasy Recap: Week 6 (Brad Womack)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:
· Let's get this out of the way again...Things heard in the FIRST SEGMENT of the show that you are most likely to hear coming from Andrew Zelman's bedroom:
1. "I'm here with 8 women that I really care about." (Brad, describing Costa Rica)
2. "Oh my God...there's steam coming from it...it's a sight unlike anything I've ever seen before!" (Ashley S, when describing the hot springs)
3. "It just feels so organic...I love it" (Alli, when describing Costa Rica)
4. "Before I leave....there is this little guy" (Brad, when leaving behind the date card)
· Watching waterfalls accelerates my need to frequent the restroom.
· Brad zip-lining. I'm so glad ABC has decided it's necessary to get one Brad Crotch Zoom Shot per episode.
· Line of the show where I yelled out "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" even though it made no sense: "Apparently this is the longest zip-line in the world." (Brad, to Chantal)
· Chantal told Brad it was her best day ever. She clearly has never gone sightseeing in Rochester, NY.
· I wish Chantal would ask Brad to spell her name. It would be an epic fail.
· One of the girls asked "What better way to end the day than jumping in hot springs in Costa Rica?" I think a better way to end the day would be with a nice big bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with M&M trail mixed sprinkled on top. Naked.
· Sign that Deep V's are the new black: Brad wearing a Deep V.
· Most Bizarre Moment of My Bachelor Viewing: When Emily showed up in a bathing suit, my stereo magically turned on and started blasting "Dream Weaver".
· 2nd Most Bizarre Moment of My Bachelor Viewing: When Brad took his shirt off and ABC zoomed in on his abs, my stereo magically turned on and started blasting "Dream Weaver".
· 2nd Emily bathing suit shot of the night. Time to buy a lottery ticket.
· Is it just me, or does Emily look like a great kisser?
· Moment of the show where I yelled "AMEN SISTER!": Michelle, when seeing Brad take his shirt off: "Seeing Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and F***."
· When Alli got on top of the horse to start riding, if I were Brad I would have dropped this little nugget: "There's only one other thing in Costa Rica that can put that much horsepower between your legs."
· If I said the pick-up line above, I would definitely give the wink and the gun for effect.
· The random Mexican guy who goes into the house to take the losing contestant's suitcases away...I wonder if he's affiliated with the show or if he's just a really clever random Mexican thief.
· Brad and Emily had 1 on 1 time in a hammock. If Brad was wearing a banana hammock and eating a banana, it would have been so damn literal. (Wearing a banana hammock while eating a banana in a hammock)
· Shawntal challenged Brad to a staring contest and kissed him in the middle of it. Totally stole my move.
· Chris Harrison was noticeably absent the whole show. I had a headache, and the only cure was more Chris Harrison.

Advice for the weekend: When life hands you lemons, sometimes it's best to go to Buckhead bars and get shmammered.

Love,
-Hickey

Bachelor Fantasy Recap: Week 5 (Brad Womack)

Five weeks into Brad Womack’s 2nd chance at finding true love and things are getting awkward. Widows are being forced to relive their worst nightmares, 2-on-1 dates have begun, more guys than girls are texting me during the show (and being added to the email chain – welcome Brannon, Neil and Bubba), sexual pun date cards are running rampant, and Brad is spending entirely too much time with his shirt on (as is Greg Schatell, currently 12th place in our beloved league).

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

As Chris Harrison’s hair plugs continue to blossom, his clothing becomes more aggressive. I may need to start considering hair plugs.

If I were the pilot flying the girls from LA to Vegas, I would go on the loud speaker and say, “Who wants to see my cockpit?

When Brad met the girls in their new Las Vegas digs, a random Mexican appeared and offered Brad a drink on a tray. I wonder what his name was.

Let’s get this out of the way….Top 3 comments overheard in the OPENING SEGMENT (taking it easy this week) that Andrew Zelman has most likely said:
1. “You know what that means…the two women who get that date, pack your bags and say goodbye to the other women...one of you is going home.”
2. “I am so excited…and I’m so happy to tell you everyone in this room gets a date, so no one’s left out.”
3. “Let’s end tonight with a bang.”

Confirmation that skinny jeans are the new black: Brad wearing skinny jeans.

NSWM ("No Sh*t, Womack" Moment): Brad, after letting himself into the girls’ Vegas pad: “I just let myself in.”

Bimbo Comment of the Night: Shawntal, as she’s walking out onto the roof of the new Vegas digs: “Are we like…on a roof?”

That’s What She Said Moments of the Show
#1: Brad – “Where would this leakage occur?” Shawntal: “Think of all of our orifices.”
#2: Brad talking to Emily about replacing her husband: “That’s a hard, hard space for any man to fill.”
#3: Michell to Brad: “Next time we’re together, you can talk.”

Comment I most disagreed with: Shawntal: “To end the night with a perfect kiss…now that’s a big bang.” No it’s not.

When the champagne bottle popped in the middle of Brad and Shawntal’s date, it would have been a perfect time for ABC to play [INSERT ANY MARVIN GAYE SONG HERE] in the background.

If I ever saw a groundhog, would I confuse it for a really big squirrel?

PAUSE moment of the show: Emily in a racing suit.

New Fantasy: Women in racing suits.

Emily overcame her fears by racing around a NASCAR track. Does this mean I need to dress up like a clown?

If I were Brad and saw Emily in her racing suit, I would have pulled her aside and said, "Are you tired? Because you've been NASCAR racing through my mind all night long."

Britt’s job is a “Foodwriter”. I once wrote a love note on a banana. Resume builder.

Moment I personally related to: Ashley S, when hearing she was going on the 2-on-1 date: “I feel like I’m gonna pee my pants.” I DVR’d the show and refused to watch commercials.

I’m so glad ABC felt it was necessary to zoom into Brad’s nether-region while he was strapped into the cables in his Army Fatigue. Sweet dreams.

I wonder how it feels to get a rose on a 2-on-1 date and then makeout with the guy. Jenna Ann??

Comment most likely to be overheard in Corley / Zelman / Graves apartment: “Connections are being made with other women…I’m kissing other women.”

If I may offer a word of advice for the weekend: When in doubt, go for the blackout.
Love,
-Hickey

Bachelor Fantasy Recap: Week 3 (Brad Womack)

SCENE SET:
I walk into my apartment after a long day of work. Exhausted, yet trembling with excitement to watch Bachelor Week 3. I'm hungry. Before making dinner - light the candles, put on Marvin Gaye, say something in baby talk to my fish (can fish hear through water? can fish hear?), disrobe for "Naked Thursday" in my apartment, and BAM it's dinner time.
ACTION:
What do I want for dinner? It's kind of late. Had a big lunch. Quick and easy is what I'm looking for. That's something Andrew Zelman would say. Top three options - Egg Sandwich, PBJ Sandwich, HBO (Honey Bunches of Oats) cereal with M&M trail mix sprinkled on top. Had HBO option the past 5 nights. Egg Sandwich or PBJ. Eggs have protein and B vitamins. Swiss or American cheese? Damn, wish I would have remembered to get more cheese last time I went shopping, cheese has expired. Turkey pepperoni - YES PLEASE! Getting excited. Damn, wish I would have remembered to get more eggs last time I went shopping, eggs are expired. Is Salmonella poisoning really that bad? Leaning toward PBJ. White or wheat bread? White, tastes better when dunking in chocolate milk. Crunchy or smooth peanut butter? People who like smooth are the same ones who get into the shower on the end where the shower head is and put the toilet paper on the roll with the tear piece on back instead of the front. I don't want to be that person tonight. Rasberry or Grape jelly? Damn, wish I had Strawberry. Grandpa used to have rasberry bushes and make his own jam. Sentimental choice made, rasberry it is. Cut the bread diagonally or straight down the middle? Down the middle is easier for dunking in chocolate milk. However, people who cut diagonally are usually excellent dancers and wear aggressive clothing. I want to be that person tonight. Diagonally it is. Damn, wish I would have thought about this longer and went with the uncut sandwich, old-school style, jelly dripping onto my clothes with every scrumptious bite.
Needless to say I was very stressed out after that 2-minute mind melt. Fast forward to 30 minutes into Week 3 of The Bachelor and hear Emily tell her unbelievably heartbreaking story and I am quickly reminded of the ancient Chinese proverb - "The man with no shoes complained until he met the man with no feet." Knowledge officially dropped on you. Don't sweat the small stuff. That is what Emily has taught me, and I am thankful for The Bachelor for giving me that gift.

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

Why did it take ABC so long to pick Kiss From A Rose as the season theme song? It's so damn literal.

"Let's find our love song" was a great cheesy pun date card for singing karaoke to Kiss From A Rose. If I had to come up with a cheesy pun date card, it would say "Let's find our happy ending" - and I would take her to an Asian massage parlor.

Ashley thinks of her Dad when she hears Kiss From A Rose. I think of Andrew Zelman.

Things no one should sing karaoke if they can't sing: Any Bon Jovi song, and Kiss From A Rose.

Damn, I wish I had strawberry jam.

Ashley is from Canada. It would be hot if she spoke Canadian.

What if those four actors who pretended to jump Brad weren't actors and were really jumping Brad. I bet he would be upset that the girls just stood there giggling.

The Best "That didn't go how you thought it was going to, did it?" Moment of the show: Brad asking Emily why her last relationship didn't work out. Cringe.

Brad used to swim. Not a shocker.

How Alli Travis won my heart: 1. When describing what she enjoys: "Let's go watch football, and then let's go make out." 2. She does not get pit stains. 3. She looks like Jennifer Garner.

Things overheard on The Bachelor that you will never hear Andrew Zelman say:
1. "There are 17 women left...3 have to go home tonight."
2. "The card says love hurts...but what really hurts is being on a group date with all these other women."
3. "When you have 25 beautiful women looking at you, you almost become more guarded."

Creepy fang girl had a strawberry in her champagne glass. I wonder if anyone has ever tried banana.

It would be great if Brad threw the roses at the girls when he asked them to accept, and if they dropped it they would have to go home.

Who knew creepy fang girl had feelings. Kind of like Mr. Carosi from Saved By The Bell.

I wonder what it's like to kiss one girl, go into another room, and kiss another girl? Zelman?

Happy Bachelor viewing tonight.


Love,
-Hickey

Bachelor Fantasy Recap: Week 2 (Brad Womack)

HUGE MISTAKE watching the Bachelor on DVR on a snowy Tuesday afternoon and deciding to play the Bachelor drinking game. There I am watching Brad's bare feet slowly pacing through the plush grass, toes curling ever so delicately, while Seal's "Kiss From A Rose" gently weeps in the background....and before I could even wipe the tears from my eyes I wake up at 3am Wednesday morning with a dry mouth, a House of Cards made out of bread slices staring me in the face, Christmas music blasting, and all of my furniture turned upside down.

Two weeks in...girls are falling in love, girls are fighting, girls are crying, Brad is crying, women are wearing fangs, Brad is talking more and more like Brett Favre, and the cream is starting to rise to the top of the Bachelor Fantasy League standings. I'm not exactly sure what it is that sinks to the bottom, but that is where you will find Katie Decell, who threw up the doughnut (0 correct) for the 2nd straight week. Rumor has it she also bet on the Falcons this week and predicted it would not snow last Sunday night.
RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

• How did a football magically appear in the grass while Brad was walking bare foot, toes delicately curling, in the beginning of the show? Why did he pick it up but not throw it?


• Ryan crying moment #1: From sadness -- Brad talking about his Dad being a deadbeat while "Listen to Your Heart" gently wept in the background. That song gets me every time.


• Ryan crying moment #2: From laughter -- Brad with the hardest high-five I've ever seen any man give to a woman (I have seen my fair share).


• Quote from Brad that Andrew Zelman would disagree with: "15 girls and one man...this is not my typical date."


• Another quote from Brad that Andrew Zelman would disagree with: "Let's just have good clean fun...hanging out, no kissing."


• Regarding the acting scenes: If Brad's moustache was real and he was Mexican, I don't think his name would be Gustavo. He strikes me as more of an Eduardo.


• Chris Harrison is starting to wear really aggressive clothing. If that was a Facebook status I would hit the *LIKE* button.


• Ryan crying moment #3: From pain - Emily crying while talking to her daughter over the phone. I was doing jumping jacks during this scene and rolled my ankle.


• Most likely to get stabbed with a fork in broad day light by one of the other contestants: Birthday girl Michelle (also predicted in Week 1 recap to be most likely to stab Brad in broad daylight with a fork - bingo!).


• Mental note: When looking to have a romantic dance with a girl, do not put on Train's new song "If It's Love". You'll end up looking like a white guy trying to do the Dougie.


• Mental note: If someone asks you if Train's lead singer looks like an alien, say yes.


• Bimbo comment of the night: Michelle - "What would I find in your refrigerator?"...Brad - "Eggs, turkey and water. ???"...Michelle - "Me too! Minus the eggs..."


• I wonder if Roberto asked the producers to turn the air in the house down to 50 degrees in an effort to keep his upper lip sweat under control.

Love,
- Hickey

Bachelor Fantasy Recap: Week 1 (Brad Womack)

You know, they say it's like riding a bike. It had been several months since Ali decided that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with a guy who has uncontrollable upper lip sweat (Roberto the Latin Lover). I was worried I would have forgotten the warm and fuzzy feeling I get when hearing Chris Harrison's creepy voiceovers and cheesy bachelor theme music such as "On The Wings of Love". If you have a pulse, that song should now be stuck in your head for the next 48-72 hours.

ALAS, within 5 minutes of The Bachelor Season Premier...my body went numb from excitement as a shirtless Brad Womack showered with no soap, in the middle of a rainforest, and then decided to take an awkward looking jog down the beach. Just like that, I saw colors I hadn't seen in months....birds were chirping outside of my window...a smiling little boy knocked on my door and asked me to borrow some brown sugar...and I knew for the next several months I'd be walking on Cloud 9.

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

• Brad Womack has really nice collarbones. 


• Who was the guy who volunteered to get his a$$ waxed when they were introducing the manscaper?


• Ashli, the Dentist, may have become my dream girl with her line: "Your mouth is my canvas." WHAT?!?!


• Most likely to makeout with another girl while on the show: Madison.


• Most likely to wish she hadn't fallen asleep in the tanning bed: Jill.


• Most likely to stab Brad with a fork in broad day light: Michelle.


• Most common text message I received: "she doesn't look at all like her picture online" (6 people).


• DO: Tell Brad you have no idea who he is when introducing yourself.


• DONT: Wear vampire teeth when introducing yourself.


• "That didn't go how you thought it was gonna go, did it?" moment of the show: Vampire teeth girl introduction.


• Most likely to wear vampire teeth next week: Vampire teeth girl.


• Internal question of the week: "I wonder if any other 2 guys in America are texting as much during this show as Nick Corley and I are?"

Bachelor Drinking Game to play next week (and the entire season) -- Take a drink anytime:
- There is a shirtless Brad Womack
- Chris Harrison says "Coming up.." or "Up next.." going into the commercial break
- There is reference made to this being the most controversial Bachelor show ever
- A girl cries
- Brad cries
- "Therapy" is said
- Brad kisses a girl
- A girl says she is not there to make friends
- Brad says "wow"
- The most shocking elimination yet occurs
- The most romantic date in Bachelor history happens
- Someone interrupts 1 on 1 time or asks "Can I steal you for a minute?"
- Champagne glasses clink
- You get a text from me that says DRINK!

Have a great week and weekend everyone. Remember to get your picks in by noon on Monday.

Love,

-Hickey