The Bachelor Recap: Weeks 1-4 (Chris Soules)

PUT ME IN COACH.  After some gentle but moist fluffing from some of my closest friends, I decided to end my 8^th retirement from writing recaps of The Bachelor.  This season is simply too good to be true.

My process in writing these recaps is simple…I cuddle up with my hot wife and time the 8pm Monday night kick-off with the opening of a 3^rd bottle of lightly chilled Chianti.  Sometimes I use a blanket to keep warm, sometimes I just rest the ol’ Bill Gates machine (he invented the laptop right?) on the boys and let technology do work.  I then type out random thoughts that pop into my head during the show, pausing only for the non-seldom topless Farmer Chris shots and Chianti refills.  My “random scribblings” will serve you no purpose whatsoever.  But since this is a 4-week-in-1 recap, I thought I would start by at least attempting to catch you up to speed on some important nuggets you need to be aware of in case you haven’t been watching the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON IN BACHELOR HISTORY.

The Bachelor Chris Soules is a farmer.  The only disclaimer I’ll give is that I think he’s honestly the best Bachelor that’s ever been cast…best as in caring, genuine, blah blah blah marriage material.  Beyond that disclaimer, let’s be honest...he’s a few crops short of a full harvest.  If his harvest was heading to school, it would be doing so on a short yellow bus.  It’s not that he’s dumb, it’s just that he has bad luck when thinking.  Regardless, I never thought I’d see Chris Harrison crush on a dude harder than he did on Bachelor Sean.  But Chris H wants Chris S to be. his. bae.  But I digress.

 

In line for Prince Farming’s heart we have Ashley S who redefines batsh*t crazy.  I am confident that one day she walked outside and forgot to cover her crazy, and a bat flew by and sh*t on it.  We also have Ashley I, who I think was a former Miss Unibrow contestant turned Kardashian who wants everyone to know that she’s a virgin.  She quickly proves to America that she is in fact a virgin by attempting to deliver a first *kiss to Chris (*kiss = swallow Chris’ face whole). We also saw an early front-runner emerge – enter Britt, the gorgeous girl who never met a cheeseburger she didn’t not like.  In episode 4, she drops the most passive aggressive line of questioning to Chris, rendering him udder-ly speechless.  The second disclaimer I’ll give is that ‘udder’ was the first of many terrible farming jokes to come.  Speaking of passive aggressive, we also have Jillian, the most active aggressive contestant in Bachelor history.  Jillian does Crossfit and we can only assume her fellow cult members are proud of her for talking about her workouts incessantly.  #hardWODhardbod.  Since we’ve seen limited footage on Becca we’ll assume she’s an early front-runner as well. She just seems too perfect…ly boring.  We also have a cruise ship singer named Carly who unfortunately has the batsh*t crazy eyes. I’m confident that one day she walked outside without wearing her sunglasses and a bat literally sh*t on her head and some of it dripped into her eyes.  Another early front-runner is McKenzie…See: CARLY.  Last but not least (but close, like 8^th to least?) we met Tara who will surely end up on the “She does what???” Bachelor contestant job title Hall of Fame.  She’s a Sport Fishing Enthusiast.  I hate to be a one-upper, but I once slow-clapped while my big brother reeled in a small-mouth bass at the local canal.  Now onto the useless stuff…

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

·        The Bachelor hosted a red carpet event for the 1^st episode of the season that was as useless as a screen door on a submarine.  All you need to know is that Nikki introduced her two new friends to Bachelor fandom and Josh and Andi looked really happy together. 

·        The opening scenes featured farmer Chris channeling his inner Top Gun, riding down the road in all-black leather, ass-less chaps (at least they were in my mind), and aviators.  Shortly thereafter, Vegas released betting lines on the show and set the over/under for the number of times Chris Harrison has fantasized about farmer Chris singing “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” to him at 73. 

·        I think it went largely unnoticed, but did anyone else catch Chris pondering life on the steps of an abandoned building during the opening scenes and wave at the creepy, old, beat-up, windowless red molester van that rode by? 

·        Deleted Scene #1:  Chris Harrison, donning a fake moustache and glasses, turns the red molester van back around, rolls his window down, and tells farmer Chris his parents have sent him to pick him up and that there are bags on bags of candy waiting for him in the back of the van.

·        In a retrospective moment, Prince Farming wonders aloud, “Who would want to date a farmer from Iowa?”  I know someone, and his name rhymes with Dhris Marrison. 

·        I tried to think of some farmer jokes but everything I came up with was either really baaaa-d or just super corn-y.  I’m just not a good comedi-hen.

·        Chris is concerned about his crop while he’s away.  I wonder how big of a hit his annual celery will take.    

·        If I was a pharmacist working on farm, I would call myself a farmacist.  It would be so damn literal.

·        I grew up in a farm town in upstate NY.  Every Fall when the leaves started to…fall…there was this creepy guy who would walk around the village with an old rake and clean up everyone’s yards without their consent.  Most people in the village appreciated it, but he had a tough time picking up chicks being known as the village rakeist.

·        Before the limo arrived with Chris’ potential suitors we got a sneak peek at some of the women vying for his love.  Jillian, a national news producer, admits she can deadlift more than most guys she meets and thinks that may be intimidating to some guys.  DUH F*CKING DUH.

·        Alyssa is a flight attendant and had some killer one-liners, such as “Roses may be handed out if you’re interested in finding love” and “No smoking on this flight unless you’re smoking hot”.  I liked where her head was at but think she should have continued on.  “Push my call button if you want to make me come with one finger.”  “Just because we haven’t crashed doesn’t mean you can’t start searching for my box.”  “[Insert cock-pit / pea-nuts joke here]”. 

·        Kaitlyn, the dance instructor who appears to be an early front-runner, won the award for greatest line ever out of the limo:  “I know you’re a farmer…you can plow the f*ck out of my field every day.”  How he didn’t propose on the spot plows my mind. 

·        In the most memorable moment of episode 1, crazy Ashley S was in the middle of making a terrible “love is like an onion” analogy when all of a sudden she lost her sh*t because she thought she spotted an onion. It was actually a pomegranate.  She could have totally redeemed herself by saying, “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to find love, and I won’t take it for pomegranate.” 

·        In Kindergarten I had a pet onion named Pete that I would carry around everywhere.  One day I accidentally dropped Pete while crossing the street and he cracked in half.  I rushed him to the hospital and the Doctor gave me good and bad news.  Pete was going to survive, but he was going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life. 

·        The first group date featured the girls racing tractors through downtown LA.  One of the girls ran over two geese and got goose bumps.

·        Deleted Scene #2:  A sobbing Chris Harrison, dressed in Daisy Dukes and topless with the exception of a black leather vest, hops on a tractor and heads straight toward the girls in a game of chicken while blasting Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out For A Hero” on his boombox (some of you may be too young for this reference). 

·        The biggest mystery of the show revolves around why ABC keeps putting a black bar on Jillian’s a$$ when she’s walking around the house.  Tara believes it’s because she’s seen first-hand that Jillian has a super hairy derriere.  Jillian could have one-upped Kaitlyn’s first line out of the limo:  “I know you’re a farmer…you’ll need your tractor to plow my bush.”

·        If Chris were a betting man it would probably be safe for him to bet the farm that Jillian’s favorite First Lady is either Laura or Barbara Bush. 

·        Jimmy Kimmel stars in Episode 3 and absolutely kills it.  Probably the funniest episode in Bachelor history.  I had a pretty funny friend in high school named Kimmy Jimmel.  We called her Kim Jim for short.  If she were Asian I’m almost confident I would try to give her the nickname Kim Jim Un.

·        Jimmy sends Chris and Kaitlyn on a date to Costco and asks them to get enough ketchup to fill the hot tub with.  I didn’t think Kaitlyn had staying power in Heinzsight I was wrong – the date was a huge success. 

·        Another group date had the girls complete a race where they had to shuck corn, crack eggs, milk a goat and drink it, shovel manure, and finally wrestle a grease pig.  I get it if Chris wanted to test their farm skills, but drinking goat milk?  How dairy do that.  (I’m almost done with those, seriously.)

·        It would have sucked to have been the goat that Jillian milked.  This isn’t a joke, I’m just making an observation.

·        Jillian’s grip is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

·        Jillian heard nothing is stronger than her grip, so her grip tracked down nothing and killed it. 

·        Jillian finally got her first kiss from Chris in the hot tub.  Chris had to seek immediate medical attention for 2^nd degree burns from her moustache stubble. 

·        To open the 4^th episode, Chris’ two of Chris’ sisters and Kate Gosselin came from Iowa to interview some of the girls and choose a one-on-one date for Chris.

·        All the girls were excited to see Chris’ sisters except for Jillian who was drooling on a raft by the pool in what we can only assume was some sort of paleo-induced food coma.

·        Another group date featured several women going camping with Chris.  Ashley I, the virgin, virgin camper snuck away to get some alone time with Chris when the rest of the girls fell asleep.  The cameras had to stop rolling when it got too f*cking in-tents.   

·        Deleted Scene #3:  Chris Harrison slips on his black silk nighty and sneaks into Bachelor Chris’ tent but Ashley I. heard the tent unzip before he entered.  When confronted, Chris Harrison spoke in a deep manly voice, “Sorry...it’s me Jillian…wrong tent.”

·        During the camping excursion, the girls discover that Kelsey is phony bologna.  I once ate a slice of phony bologna and had to call in fake sick to work the next day. 

·        Chris Harrison keeps asking Bachelor Chris if he wants to play Brokeback Mountain.  More concerning is the fact that he keeps sneaking up behind Chris and spitting on his hand. 

·        Jade received the date card for her one-on-one and it read, “Your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening.”  She should have wrote Chris back and said, “I may be nervous but I promise I won’t gag when I get to the ball.”

·        On Jillian’s one-on-one date with Chris, she finally comes up for air and asks what has to be the worst one-on-one question in the history of the show, perhaps a strange modification of the game F-Marry-Kill. Drumroll please…and I quote, “Would rather sleep with a homeless girl or abstain from sex for four or five years.” 

·        Deleted Scene #4:  Jillian asked Chris Harrison, “F-Marry-Kill…Sean Lowe, Juan Pablo, and Chris Soules?”  Chris said he would kill Juan Pablo and immediately went into cardia arrest.

·        In the best moment of the season so far, Britt confronted Chris about giving Kaitlyn a rose and Chris put together a 45-second gem consisting of 18 separate, incomplete and incoherent sentences.  If I were Britt, I would have pretended to scratch invisible turn tables every time he started a new sentence.

That’s all for now folks.  It’s Game Day…let the vino flow the salmon of Capistrano.