Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 5 (Ashley Hebert)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:
· Everyone seems to believe Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love with Ashley. I think the perfect place to fall in love with Ashley would be in the back of a '57 Chevy.
· Ben F tried on a Thai hat that didn't fit and Ashley said "Your head is too big." If I were Ben F, I would have responded with, "It's not the motion in the ocean that counts, it's the size of the wave."
· Let's get this over with...Top 3 Quotes From The Show That Were Also Heard In Andrew Zelman's Bedroom This Weekend:
1. "If you can't find romance in this type of environment, you're hopeless." - Multiple guys regarding Chiang Mai
2. "I've never seen anything like this in my entire life." - Ashley regarding the temple her and Ben F sat outside of.
3. "Your head is too big." - See above.
· Ben F and Ashley could not physically kiss outside of the Chiang Mai temple because it is sacrilegious to kiss there. Instead, they shared a "mental kiss". I don't even know where to begin, but here goes nothing:
o I never mental kiss on the first date.
o I once had a mental kiss. I immediately needed to smoke a cigarette afterward.
o The girl I had a mental kiss with had eaten garlic fries on our mental date and had mental bad breath. It was a deal breaker.
o I once tried to have mental sex, but I was out drinking all night and had whiskey mind.
o I wonder what percentage of Americans have mental STDs.
o What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except for mental herpes. That sh*t will come back with you.
o I once got a girl mentally pregnant. I thought a good name for our mental baby would be Rodrigo. She did not agree, but we had a mental miscarriage so it ended up being an irrelevant argument.
o If Zelman was in a mental night club, I guarantee he would sneak in at least 3 mental drunk makeouts.
o I once received a mental happy ending from a Thai "masseuse". We are still Facebook friends to this day.
· Ben F and his best friend from middle school learned how to make wine, and they are now millionaires starting on their second vinyard. My best friend from middle school and I made lemonade and sold each glass for $1. It tasted like dogsh*t and we never got the traction we envisioned, even after we laced it with orange juice. I defriended him on Facebook a year ago.
· ABC kept cutting away to flaming fire when Ben F and Ashley were kissing. If I were on the show, I would request ABC cut away to a whale's blowhole shooting water out. No rhyme or reason, I just think it would be awesome.
· The group date took place at a Thailand martial arts training center. It would have been great if the Thai head master mentally kissed Ashley in front of all of the guys.
· Ryan P said the martial arts training was testosterone at its finest. I had a mental health check-up the other day and they said my mental testosterone was low. Sorry I'm not sorry for drinking Mountain Dew.
· JP got to fight Mickey. He should have called him Minnie to get inside his head.
· Poor Ames. I tried to put myself in his shoes by imagining me having to attend a Georgia Frat Boy Look-A-Like contest.
· Ames got his face beat in. At first I thought his forehead was swollen, but then I remembered it was Ames.
· Ames is smooth, but if he wanted to step his game up he should tell Ashley, "I'm all for head" and wink at her. ZING!
· Ames was put on a stretcher and taken to a Thai hospital. Or so ABC would like you to think. I can actually read Thai, and the sign on the door of the "hospital" actually said "Happy Endings: Buy 2 Get 1 Free!". Crazy Thai ambulance drivers...
· When Ames showed up to the cocktail hour, it would have been hilarious if Ryan P socked him in the face again.
· Apparently golfing is a lot like making love. Lucas, showing Ashley how to swing a golf club: "The ball's right here. You always want to cock your wrist. Feet parallel to the shoulders. Bend your knees. Now stick out your butt."
· William and Ben C were chosen to go on the dreaded 2 on 1 date. William commented that "2 dudes and 1 girl is awkward." No William, it's natural.
· Ben C got sent home and had to ride a raft back with two Thai dudes. 2 Thai dudes and 1 dude would be awkward.
· William said the best thing that could happen on his date with Ashley is that the sparks would fly again. He obviously has never had mental sex before.


Happy Bachelorette Viewing!

Love,
-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 4 (Ashley Hebert)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

Chris Harrison is such a damn trendsetter. The first three episodes he wore skinny ties, and I have purchased three since. Last week he wore a gold watch, and my Rolex is in the mail. I really hope he rocks Jesus sandals next week.

When Chris Harrison announced they would all be going to Thailand, everyone erupted in cheer. I wonder what percentage of guys were excited about a free trip to an exotic country and what percentage of guys were excited about the thought of legal prostitution.

Statistics show 1 in 10 people have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). So at least 1 person was not excited about traveling to Thailand.

If I were a betting man, I would bet the farm that Ryan P is the one with IBS. Sure, that cheesy smile makes him appear happy, but deep down he is likely just clenching.

Ashley wanted to know what the best things to do in Thailand were. Hint, one of those things rhymes with “regal trostitution”.

Line of the show you would hear Andrew Zelman say on a weekly basis if he were female: "I’m trying to plan a date here. I have 12 guys here, and they’re hot."

I wonder if the Thai people have ever seen The Bernie.

Ben F is super excited to see Ashley in Thailand. I like to picture my Ashley in a tuxedo t-shirt.

Constantine had a nice topless shaving shot before his date. If only Constantine were Brad Womack.

Constantine said regarding his date with Ashley, “Best case scenario – we got out and have a blast today and get to know each other better.”

I think the best case scenario on any date is to agree to add each other on Facebook before the date is over. A distant second best scenario would be a smush session.

ABC showed Creepy Thailand guy talking in Thai to Ashley and Constantine and the subtitles indicated that he was telling them the waves were too rough to go out on the water. However, Hickey can talk Thai. Hickey talk Thai very well. Creepy Thailand guy actually asked Constantine if he was interested in a 19-year old prostitute.

Free advice for dudes. If you go on a first date, do not wear a light grey shirt. Pit stains are a deal-breaker in any country.

Moment of the show where I hit the pause button and played Michael Jackson's "Heal the World": When the group date card read “Let’s make the world a better place.” It made things much more literal.

Taking Creepy Thailand guy’s advice on marriage, Constantine proposed a toast to “not trying to win.” Charlie Sheen would call this an epic fail.

Constantine asked Ashley to race down the streets in Thailand. It would have been funny if while they were racing, Thailand police jumped out of the bushes and started to beatdown Constantine. I don’t know why it would be funny, but it would be funny.

Constantine and Ashley sat Indian-style on their date. I would have been screwed. I tried to sit Indian style while watching that scene and had to call my leasing office the next morning to help me unlock my legs.

Ashley said she felt good just being next to Constantine on their date. If I had a nickel for every time a girl told me that I would have 5 cents, if by girl I meant guy.

I wish Ashley had asked Constantine why his parents named him Constantine.

Constantine gave Ashley a piggy back ride into the ocean. I bet he just really had to pee.

Ben F wanted to personalize things at the orphanage and painted an elephant on the wall with Ashley. If I were Ben F, I would have painted a Wendy’s logo and told Ashley I taste great even late.

Ryan P had a shirt on that said “Cuba”. If his shirt said “Thailand”, it would have been so damn literal.

After the contestants finished the home renovations, the Thai kids ran out of the woods and gave high-fives and hugs. Statistics show 1 in 10 of them will become legal prostitutes.

Quote of the show I hear on a weekly basis: “I think the reason the guys feel irritated with Ryan is because of the intimidation factor."

Ashley referenced JP's shaved head when stating how sexy he was. So you're saying there's a chance!

Ames' date card read "It's more romantic in the rain." Enough said. If I were Ames I would have just showed up naked.

Is it true you can't get pregnant from "romancing" in the rain? Or is that just hot tubs?

I know it was raining, but Ames should have not ran to Ashley. I zoomed out on the TV and could have sworn my TV magically switched to National Geographic, where they were airing a scene of a baby deer standing on its legs for the first time on National Geographic.

Instead of saying baby deer, I was going to say “fawn”, but I question the intelligence of those on this email list.

If I were Ames’, I would not hesitate to the drop the “You know what they say about guys with big foreheads…” line.

Ames' forehead should be its own contestant.

Ames took a Thai cooking class in Thailand. If he were wearing Ryan P’s “Thailand” shirt, it would be so damn literal.

Ames told Ashley, "The last minute is the best minute." If I had to vote for the most confusing minute I would vote for 12:00…because I never know whether to call it AM or PM.

Regarding her kayak trip through the Thailand mountains, Ashley stated, “This is the most beautiful place I could ever imagine." Incorrect. That would be Zelman's bedroom.

Ames and Ashley felt like they were on the Titanic on their boat trip. It would have been a perfect time for Ames to ask Ashley if he could paint a nude portrait of her.

Ames said he couldn’t focus on Ashley because he was "dumbfounded by the views." I’m not sure “founded by the views” was a necessary part of his sentence.

Ames charmed the pants off of me. For a second there I swore he took on the shape of a unicorn.

Moment of the show that left me waiting for the punchline: Ames - “Ashley and I didn’t kiss tonight but we did something much more intimate than kiss…we talked about very serious things.”

Ashely said her woman’s intuition is telling her there is more there with Bentley. I wonder if it’s also telling her that she does not need to get breast implants.

West is going home. If he was heading back to the East coast it would not really be literal.

BEST TEXTS RECEIVED DURING THE SHOW:1. Kellan "The Saint" Quinn: "'Are you getting wet?' would be my first question on a date, and the answer would most likely be yes."
2. "Nurse" Gavin Hickey: "I am drunk. Raime told me to I had to take a shot every time Ashley mentioned Bentley."
3. Justin "I'm Not A" Messer: (Regarding Ames' charm): "I had to close one eye to even look at him."
4. Brenda "B-Nice" Richelt: "Can we get The Bachelor soundtrack for the 1050 pool?"



You can do anything you set your mind to. Set your mind to blackout this weekend.



Love,
-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 3 (Ashley Hebert)

Spiders. Old Spice Deodorant. Cabbage. Snuggies. Chest hair. Busy signals. Red pens. Thumb tacs. Tic Tacs. Race tracks. Chest hair. Halogen light bulbs. Crabs (Hermit, not STD). John Denver. Denver Nuggets. Clowns. Face tattoos. The Notebook. Ketchup packets. Chest hair. Dead bolts. Bentley.
This is a list of things I have nightmares about.

Three weeks into Ashley's search for true television romance and the tension is palpable. I don't know about you, but I haven't had a tingling sensation this tingling-y since my 2nd grade (male) teacher gave me that special back rub after snack time. Will Ashley be able to overcome Bentley's heartbreaking blow? Will Mickey run out of hair gel? Will William ask people to start calling him Bill?
RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:· In Week 2, Creepy Mask Guy revealed he had a brain hemorrhage 5 years ago. I promised not to make fun of Creepy Mask Guy anymore. But then I saw Creepy Mask Guy in his creepy mask.
· I hope Ashley is not a vegetarian, because Ben C has more hamburger meat (chest hair sticking out of his shirt) than any man I’ve ever seen. 2-4 strands of hamburger meat away from Gorilla status.
· I could have choreographed a much better flash mob than Ashley and in much less time. We simply would have done The Bernie, and it would have rocked.
· Ben earned my respect with his dance moves. Ben lost my respect when he sang along to “Fly Like a G6”.
· Ashley should have flashed the mob during the flash mob. It would have been so damn literal.
· Far East Movement played a concert in the courtyard. It’s a good thing they announced their band name, because before that I was convinced it was a group of Asian mimes pretending to be in a band.
· It would have been great if the Asian mimes started doing The Bernie.
· Going to an Asian mime show would be a cool first date.
· Ben could have earned my respect back if he asked Far East Movement to play Freebird.
· Ben wants to live in a bubble with Ashley and be the most idealistic couple ever. If I lived in a bubble, I would want to live in a bubble with Michael Jackson’s monkey named Bubbles. In a weird way it would be so damn literal.
· Ben C wanted to know if it’s ok to put emoticons in his texts to girls. DUH!
· When Creepy Mask Guy took his creepy mask off, ABC cut away to a squirrel and a bird. If I was wearing a creepy mask and took it off, I would request ABC cut away to a flaming unicorn.
· It would have been an epic fail if when Creepy Mask Guy took his creepy mask off Ashley said, “Epic fail.”
· Creepy Mask Guy thinks the comedy club roast is right up his alley. I think the only thing that would be right up his alley is a Creepy Mask Off, in which contestants tried on Creepy Mask Guy's creepy mask to see if they could look creepier than Creepy Mask Guy.
· Jeffrey Ross (host of the Roast) stated “if you can make a woman laugh at herself, you can make her do anything." I immediately called Zelman and told him I would sell him my “How to Make Women Laugh At Themselves for Dummies” book for $2,500 and he said yes without hesitation.
· Ashley took offense to being called Brad Womack’s leftovers. I saw it as a compliment. If I were about to go to the electric chair, I would request my last meal be Brad Womack’s leftovers.
· Thank you to Bentley for confirming girls love bad guys who will treat them like complete dogsh*t (this is not meant to be funny, I’m simply making a (bitter) statement).
· Bentley said 60% of guys are “boob guys”. I wonder what percentage of guys have man boobs.
· Lines heard on last week’s show most I have also heard Andrew Zelman say in the past week:
o “I’m at a disadvantage because she hasn’t seen my face yet.” (Creepy Mask Guy)
o “She’s digging what I’m putting out and I’m gonna go in for the kill.” (Bentley)
o “It’s annoying to just hold a girl that’s just crying and crying and crying.” (Bentley)
o “I can’t believe all these guys wanna date me.” (CHECK PLEASE!)
· Ashley is a stiff-lipped kisser. I once kissed a stiff-lipped kisser and immediately defriended her on Facebook. And that never happens.
· Ashley and Chris Harrison agree that “dot dot dot” is better than a period. I wonder where semicolons fall in this hierarchy.
· I feel like “semicolon” should be spelled “semi;colon”. It would be so damn literal.
· Ashley wanted to know why JP was single. If I were JP, I would have said, “I’m not sure. But if I worked at UPS I imagine I would never hear a complaint about my package if you know what I’m sayin’”.
· Disclaimer: the above line is only effective with the wink and the gun afterward. Double-gun may be required.
· Ashley wanted JP to put on his PJs. That is almost so damn literal.
· At the final rose ceremony, William stated that he felt like a giant a$$ for what he said to Ashley during the roast. You are what you eat? Check please!


Have a great week and Happy Bachelorette viewing tomorrow.

Love,
-Hickey