RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:
Chris Harrison is such a damn trendsetter. The first three episodes he wore skinny ties, and I have purchased three since. Last week he wore a gold watch, and my Rolex is in the mail. I really hope he rocks Jesus sandals next week.
When Chris Harrison announced they would all be going to Thailand, everyone erupted in cheer. I wonder what percentage of guys were excited about a free trip to an exotic country and what percentage of guys were excited about the thought of legal prostitution.
Statistics show 1 in 10 people have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). So at least 1 person was not excited about traveling to Thailand.
If I were a betting man, I would bet the farm that Ryan P is the one with IBS. Sure, that cheesy smile makes him appear happy, but deep down he is likely just clenching.
Ashley wanted to know what the best things to do in Thailand were. Hint, one of those things rhymes with “regal trostitution”.
Line of the show you would hear Andrew Zelman say on a weekly basis if he were female: "I’m trying to plan a date here. I have 12 guys here, and they’re hot."
I wonder if the Thai people have ever seen The Bernie.
Ben F is super excited to see Ashley in Thailand. I like to picture my Ashley in a tuxedo t-shirt.
Constantine had a nice topless shaving shot before his date. If only Constantine were Brad Womack.
Constantine said regarding his date with Ashley, “Best case scenario – we got out and have a blast today and get to know each other better.”
I think the best case scenario on any date is to agree to add each other on Facebook before the date is over. A distant second best scenario would be a smush session.
ABC showed Creepy Thailand guy talking in Thai to Ashley and Constantine and the subtitles indicated that he was telling them the waves were too rough to go out on the water. However, Hickey can talk Thai. Hickey talk Thai very well. Creepy Thailand guy actually asked Constantine if he was interested in a 19-year old prostitute.
Free advice for dudes. If you go on a first date, do not wear a light grey shirt. Pit stains are a deal-breaker in any country.
Moment of the show where I hit the pause button and played Michael Jackson's "Heal the World": When the group date card read “Let’s make the world a better place.” It made things much more literal.
Taking Creepy Thailand guy’s advice on marriage, Constantine proposed a toast to “not trying to win.” Charlie Sheen would call this an epic fail.
Constantine asked Ashley to race down the streets in Thailand. It would have been funny if while they were racing, Thailand police jumped out of the bushes and started to beatdown Constantine. I don’t know why it would be funny, but it would be funny.
Constantine and Ashley sat Indian-style on their date. I would have been screwed. I tried to sit Indian style while watching that scene and had to call my leasing office the next morning to help me unlock my legs.
Ashley said she felt good just being next to Constantine on their date. If I had a nickel for every time a girl told me that I would have 5 cents, if by girl I meant guy.
I wish Ashley had asked Constantine why his parents named him Constantine.
Constantine gave Ashley a piggy back ride into the ocean. I bet he just really had to pee.
Ben F wanted to personalize things at the orphanage and painted an elephant on the wall with Ashley. If I were Ben F, I would have painted a Wendy’s logo and told Ashley I taste great even late.
Ryan P had a shirt on that said “Cuba”. If his shirt said “Thailand”, it would have been so damn literal.
After the contestants finished the home renovations, the Thai kids ran out of the woods and gave high-fives and hugs. Statistics show 1 in 10 of them will become legal prostitutes.
Quote of the show I hear on a weekly basis: “I think the reason the guys feel irritated with Ryan is because of the intimidation factor."
Ashley referenced JP's shaved head when stating how sexy he was. So you're saying there's a chance!
Ames' date card read "It's more romantic in the rain." Enough said. If I were Ames I would have just showed up naked.
Is it true you can't get pregnant from "romancing" in the rain? Or is that just hot tubs?
I know it was raining, but Ames should have not ran to Ashley. I zoomed out on the TV and could have sworn my TV magically switched to National Geographic, where they were airing a scene of a baby deer standing on its legs for the first time on National Geographic.
Instead of saying baby deer, I was going to say “fawn”, but I question the intelligence of those on this email list.
If I were Ames’, I would not hesitate to the drop the “You know what they say about guys with big foreheads…” line.
Ames' forehead should be its own contestant.
Ames took a Thai cooking class in Thailand. If he were wearing Ryan P’s “Thailand” shirt, it would be so damn literal.
Ames told Ashley, "The last minute is the best minute." If I had to vote for the most confusing minute I would vote for 12:00…because I never know whether to call it AM or PM.
Regarding her kayak trip through the Thailand mountains, Ashley stated, “This is the most beautiful place I could ever imagine." Incorrect. That would be Zelman's bedroom.
Ames and Ashley felt like they were on the Titanic on their boat trip. It would have been a perfect time for Ames to ask Ashley if he could paint a nude portrait of her.
Ames said he couldn’t focus on Ashley because he was "dumbfounded by the views." I’m not sure “founded by the views” was a necessary part of his sentence.
Ames charmed the pants off of me. For a second there I swore he took on the shape of a unicorn.
Moment of the show that left me waiting for the punchline: Ames - “Ashley and I didn’t kiss tonight but we did something much more intimate than kiss…we talked about very serious things.”
Ashely said her woman’s intuition is telling her there is more there with Bentley. I wonder if it’s also telling her that she does not need to get breast implants.
West is going home. If he was heading back to the East coast it would not really be literal.
BEST TEXTS RECEIVED DURING THE SHOW:1. Kellan "The Saint" Quinn: "'Are you getting wet?' would be my first question on a date, and the answer would most likely be yes."
2. "Nurse" Gavin Hickey: "I am drunk. Raime told me to I had to take a shot every time Ashley mentioned Bentley."
3. Justin "I'm Not A" Messer: (Regarding Ames' charm): "I had to close one eye to even look at him."
4. Brenda "B-Nice" Richelt: "Can we get The Bachelor soundtrack for the 1050 pool?"
You can do anything you set your mind to. Set your mind to blackout this weekend.
Love,
-Hickey
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