Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 3 (Ashley Hebert)

Spiders. Old Spice Deodorant. Cabbage. Snuggies. Chest hair. Busy signals. Red pens. Thumb tacs. Tic Tacs. Race tracks. Chest hair. Halogen light bulbs. Crabs (Hermit, not STD). John Denver. Denver Nuggets. Clowns. Face tattoos. The Notebook. Ketchup packets. Chest hair. Dead bolts. Bentley.
This is a list of things I have nightmares about.

Three weeks into Ashley's search for true television romance and the tension is palpable. I don't know about you, but I haven't had a tingling sensation this tingling-y since my 2nd grade (male) teacher gave me that special back rub after snack time. Will Ashley be able to overcome Bentley's heartbreaking blow? Will Mickey run out of hair gel? Will William ask people to start calling him Bill?
RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:· In Week 2, Creepy Mask Guy revealed he had a brain hemorrhage 5 years ago. I promised not to make fun of Creepy Mask Guy anymore. But then I saw Creepy Mask Guy in his creepy mask.
· I hope Ashley is not a vegetarian, because Ben C has more hamburger meat (chest hair sticking out of his shirt) than any man I’ve ever seen. 2-4 strands of hamburger meat away from Gorilla status.
· I could have choreographed a much better flash mob than Ashley and in much less time. We simply would have done The Bernie, and it would have rocked.
· Ben earned my respect with his dance moves. Ben lost my respect when he sang along to “Fly Like a G6”.
· Ashley should have flashed the mob during the flash mob. It would have been so damn literal.
· Far East Movement played a concert in the courtyard. It’s a good thing they announced their band name, because before that I was convinced it was a group of Asian mimes pretending to be in a band.
· It would have been great if the Asian mimes started doing The Bernie.
· Going to an Asian mime show would be a cool first date.
· Ben could have earned my respect back if he asked Far East Movement to play Freebird.
· Ben wants to live in a bubble with Ashley and be the most idealistic couple ever. If I lived in a bubble, I would want to live in a bubble with Michael Jackson’s monkey named Bubbles. In a weird way it would be so damn literal.
· Ben C wanted to know if it’s ok to put emoticons in his texts to girls. DUH!
· When Creepy Mask Guy took his creepy mask off, ABC cut away to a squirrel and a bird. If I was wearing a creepy mask and took it off, I would request ABC cut away to a flaming unicorn.
· It would have been an epic fail if when Creepy Mask Guy took his creepy mask off Ashley said, “Epic fail.”
· Creepy Mask Guy thinks the comedy club roast is right up his alley. I think the only thing that would be right up his alley is a Creepy Mask Off, in which contestants tried on Creepy Mask Guy's creepy mask to see if they could look creepier than Creepy Mask Guy.
· Jeffrey Ross (host of the Roast) stated “if you can make a woman laugh at herself, you can make her do anything." I immediately called Zelman and told him I would sell him my “How to Make Women Laugh At Themselves for Dummies” book for $2,500 and he said yes without hesitation.
· Ashley took offense to being called Brad Womack’s leftovers. I saw it as a compliment. If I were about to go to the electric chair, I would request my last meal be Brad Womack’s leftovers.
· Thank you to Bentley for confirming girls love bad guys who will treat them like complete dogsh*t (this is not meant to be funny, I’m simply making a (bitter) statement).
· Bentley said 60% of guys are “boob guys”. I wonder what percentage of guys have man boobs.
· Lines heard on last week’s show most I have also heard Andrew Zelman say in the past week:
o “I’m at a disadvantage because she hasn’t seen my face yet.” (Creepy Mask Guy)
o “She’s digging what I’m putting out and I’m gonna go in for the kill.” (Bentley)
o “It’s annoying to just hold a girl that’s just crying and crying and crying.” (Bentley)
o “I can’t believe all these guys wanna date me.” (CHECK PLEASE!)
· Ashley is a stiff-lipped kisser. I once kissed a stiff-lipped kisser and immediately defriended her on Facebook. And that never happens.
· Ashley and Chris Harrison agree that “dot dot dot” is better than a period. I wonder where semicolons fall in this hierarchy.
· I feel like “semicolon” should be spelled “semi;colon”. It would be so damn literal.
· Ashley wanted to know why JP was single. If I were JP, I would have said, “I’m not sure. But if I worked at UPS I imagine I would never hear a complaint about my package if you know what I’m sayin’”.
· Disclaimer: the above line is only effective with the wink and the gun afterward. Double-gun may be required.
· Ashley wanted JP to put on his PJs. That is almost so damn literal.
· At the final rose ceremony, William stated that he felt like a giant a$$ for what he said to Ashley during the roast. You are what you eat? Check please!


Have a great week and Happy Bachelorette viewing tomorrow.

Love,
-Hickey