Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 5 (Ashley Hebert)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:
· Everyone seems to believe Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love with Ashley. I think the perfect place to fall in love with Ashley would be in the back of a '57 Chevy.
· Ben F tried on a Thai hat that didn't fit and Ashley said "Your head is too big." If I were Ben F, I would have responded with, "It's not the motion in the ocean that counts, it's the size of the wave."
· Let's get this over with...Top 3 Quotes From The Show That Were Also Heard In Andrew Zelman's Bedroom This Weekend:
1. "If you can't find romance in this type of environment, you're hopeless." - Multiple guys regarding Chiang Mai
2. "I've never seen anything like this in my entire life." - Ashley regarding the temple her and Ben F sat outside of.
3. "Your head is too big." - See above.
· Ben F and Ashley could not physically kiss outside of the Chiang Mai temple because it is sacrilegious to kiss there. Instead, they shared a "mental kiss". I don't even know where to begin, but here goes nothing:
o I never mental kiss on the first date.
o I once had a mental kiss. I immediately needed to smoke a cigarette afterward.
o The girl I had a mental kiss with had eaten garlic fries on our mental date and had mental bad breath. It was a deal breaker.
o I once tried to have mental sex, but I was out drinking all night and had whiskey mind.
o I wonder what percentage of Americans have mental STDs.
o What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except for mental herpes. That sh*t will come back with you.
o I once got a girl mentally pregnant. I thought a good name for our mental baby would be Rodrigo. She did not agree, but we had a mental miscarriage so it ended up being an irrelevant argument.
o If Zelman was in a mental night club, I guarantee he would sneak in at least 3 mental drunk makeouts.
o I once received a mental happy ending from a Thai "masseuse". We are still Facebook friends to this day.
· Ben F and his best friend from middle school learned how to make wine, and they are now millionaires starting on their second vinyard. My best friend from middle school and I made lemonade and sold each glass for $1. It tasted like dogsh*t and we never got the traction we envisioned, even after we laced it with orange juice. I defriended him on Facebook a year ago.
· ABC kept cutting away to flaming fire when Ben F and Ashley were kissing. If I were on the show, I would request ABC cut away to a whale's blowhole shooting water out. No rhyme or reason, I just think it would be awesome.
· The group date took place at a Thailand martial arts training center. It would have been great if the Thai head master mentally kissed Ashley in front of all of the guys.
· Ryan P said the martial arts training was testosterone at its finest. I had a mental health check-up the other day and they said my mental testosterone was low. Sorry I'm not sorry for drinking Mountain Dew.
· JP got to fight Mickey. He should have called him Minnie to get inside his head.
· Poor Ames. I tried to put myself in his shoes by imagining me having to attend a Georgia Frat Boy Look-A-Like contest.
· Ames got his face beat in. At first I thought his forehead was swollen, but then I remembered it was Ames.
· Ames is smooth, but if he wanted to step his game up he should tell Ashley, "I'm all for head" and wink at her. ZING!
· Ames was put on a stretcher and taken to a Thai hospital. Or so ABC would like you to think. I can actually read Thai, and the sign on the door of the "hospital" actually said "Happy Endings: Buy 2 Get 1 Free!". Crazy Thai ambulance drivers...
· When Ames showed up to the cocktail hour, it would have been hilarious if Ryan P socked him in the face again.
· Apparently golfing is a lot like making love. Lucas, showing Ashley how to swing a golf club: "The ball's right here. You always want to cock your wrist. Feet parallel to the shoulders. Bend your knees. Now stick out your butt."
· William and Ben C were chosen to go on the dreaded 2 on 1 date. William commented that "2 dudes and 1 girl is awkward." No William, it's natural.
· Ben C got sent home and had to ride a raft back with two Thai dudes. 2 Thai dudes and 1 dude would be awkward.
· William said the best thing that could happen on his date with Ashley is that the sparks would fly again. He obviously has never had mental sex before.


Happy Bachelorette Viewing!

Love,
-Hickey