Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 1 (Ashley Hebert)

US Actress Gloria Swanson (1899-1983) said it best with her famous adage "Never say never...life is too full of rich possibilities to have restrictions placed upon it." Justin Bieber said it bestest with his recent gem "Never Say Never". They said flying was impossible...Orville and and Wilbur Wright laughed. They said the iPhone was the greatest smartphone ever...and then the Droid came out. They say we will never land on the moon...I'm confident one day we will. They, and many of you beloved Fantasy Bachelorette League members, swore there was no way Season 7 of The Bachelorette could be as entertaining as the train wreck that was Brad Womack last season...and then last night happened. BAM. Season opener. Ashley somehow transformed from a "6.5" to a "9" within 6 weeks, Chris Harrison's eyes have that sparkle back that's been missing since 2006, guys are wearing creepy masks, and dudes are pulling Patrick Kelleys (getting hammered and snoring in the middle of a party). Call me crazy but I have a feeling we are all in for the most dramatic season ever...

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

• Showing the scenes from last season made me long for Womack. It was as if I had been living the last 3 months in a wheelchair and was suddenly given the ability to walk again upon the sight of his face.



• Ashley belly shirts are this season's equivalent of Brad shirtless.



• Ashley's biggest fear is that she will fall in love and it will not be reciprocated. I think her biggest fear should be waking up in the morning and being a "6.5" again.



• Sign that skinny ties are the new black: Chris Harrison wearing a skinny tie.



• Ryan (Solar Panel guy) said he is hoping to find the most powerful thing in the world. That thing can only be found in Andrew Zelman's bed.



• Ames thinks its sexy to love what you do. I think it's sexy to be a ballerina in a belly shirt.



• Bentley is divorced and wants Emily to be the Bachelorette. I think we would get along famously. 



• When Ashley's limo pulled up and they were going to introduce her as The Bachelorette, it would have been great if Emily got out in a surprise twist.



• Chris Harrison has mad game. But I wonder if he has mad game without ABC cue cards.



• If I had a sister, I would recommend she date Chris Harrison. Or Andrew Zelman.



• Ashley's teeth are whiter than my Georgia frat boy friends. I wonder how dentists decide which dentist they want to go to.



• Ashley got excited when she heard that one of the contestants was a single Dad. So you're saying there's a chance!! (kidding)



• DO's and DONT's when making a first impression on Ashley out of a limo:






• DO: Have dimples.



• DONT: Be named Mickey. And if your name is Mickey, don't try to kiss Ashley. Or anyone for that matter.



• DO: Speak French.



• DONT: Wear a creepy mask.



• DO: Use pink floss to tie a pretend wedding ring on Ashley's finger.



• DONT: Be named Anthony, from NYC, speak like an Italian, wear a golden chain, and have three buttons of your button-down shirt undone revealing vast forest of hamburger meat (chest hair).



• West was smooth with his, "You know, opposite of East and slight North of South" line. My new line is going to be "Hickey, you know, a reddish mark on the skin caused by amorous kissing, biting, or sucking." It's so damn literal.



• If I was a contestant and I was getting out of the limo, I would drop some variation of "If you think this limo is long..." on Ashley.



• Most likely to reveal in a future show that he walked around episode 1 with a giant stick up his a$$: Ames.



• If walking around like you have a giant stick up your a$$ is cool than consider Ames to be Miles Davis.



• IIHANFETIHT (If I had a nickel for every time I heard this) Moment of the Show: "Ryan is the total package.     He’s gorgeous, smart, successful, and has such a positive outlook on life."



• One dude called his Mom when he got 1 on 1 time with Ashley. I would have called Zelman.



• Jeff (Creepy Mask Guy) is an "Entrepreneuer". I wonder if he owns a business that sells creepy masks.



• Most likely to sport a creepy mask next show: Creepy Mask Guy.



• It would have been great if Ashley said she planned on giving the 1st impression rose to the guy with the creepiest mask. All of the guys would have been jealous of Creepy Mask Guy.



• Will lists his occupation as a Cell Phone Salesman. He would have a better shot with Ashley if he lied and told her he worked at Creepy Mask Guy's company.



• Will, referring to Drunk Tim, stated "I don't know why anyone drinks as much as they do and feels its appropriate." Never have liked Will, never will.



• Did this bottle of wine drink itself?



• If getting hammered and snoring is wrong, maybe I'm not meant to be on The Bachelorette after all.

Sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windshield. Be the windshield this weekend.



Love,
-Hickey