The Bachelor Recap: Weeks 1-4 (Chris Soules)

PUT ME IN COACH.  After some gentle but moist fluffing from some of my closest friends, I decided to end my 8^th retirement from writing recaps of The Bachelor.  This season is simply too good to be true.

My process in writing these recaps is simple…I cuddle up with my hot wife and time the 8pm Monday night kick-off with the opening of a 3^rd bottle of lightly chilled Chianti.  Sometimes I use a blanket to keep warm, sometimes I just rest the ol’ Bill Gates machine (he invented the laptop right?) on the boys and let technology do work.  I then type out random thoughts that pop into my head during the show, pausing only for the non-seldom topless Farmer Chris shots and Chianti refills.  My “random scribblings” will serve you no purpose whatsoever.  But since this is a 4-week-in-1 recap, I thought I would start by at least attempting to catch you up to speed on some important nuggets you need to be aware of in case you haven’t been watching the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON IN BACHELOR HISTORY.

The Bachelor Chris Soules is a farmer.  The only disclaimer I’ll give is that I think he’s honestly the best Bachelor that’s ever been cast…best as in caring, genuine, blah blah blah marriage material.  Beyond that disclaimer, let’s be honest...he’s a few crops short of a full harvest.  If his harvest was heading to school, it would be doing so on a short yellow bus.  It’s not that he’s dumb, it’s just that he has bad luck when thinking.  Regardless, I never thought I’d see Chris Harrison crush on a dude harder than he did on Bachelor Sean.  But Chris H wants Chris S to be. his. bae.  But I digress.

 

In line for Prince Farming’s heart we have Ashley S who redefines batsh*t crazy.  I am confident that one day she walked outside and forgot to cover her crazy, and a bat flew by and sh*t on it.  We also have Ashley I, who I think was a former Miss Unibrow contestant turned Kardashian who wants everyone to know that she’s a virgin.  She quickly proves to America that she is in fact a virgin by attempting to deliver a first *kiss to Chris (*kiss = swallow Chris’ face whole). We also saw an early front-runner emerge – enter Britt, the gorgeous girl who never met a cheeseburger she didn’t not like.  In episode 4, she drops the most passive aggressive line of questioning to Chris, rendering him udder-ly speechless.  The second disclaimer I’ll give is that ‘udder’ was the first of many terrible farming jokes to come.  Speaking of passive aggressive, we also have Jillian, the most active aggressive contestant in Bachelor history.  Jillian does Crossfit and we can only assume her fellow cult members are proud of her for talking about her workouts incessantly.  #hardWODhardbod.  Since we’ve seen limited footage on Becca we’ll assume she’s an early front-runner as well. She just seems too perfect…ly boring.  We also have a cruise ship singer named Carly who unfortunately has the batsh*t crazy eyes. I’m confident that one day she walked outside without wearing her sunglasses and a bat literally sh*t on her head and some of it dripped into her eyes.  Another early front-runner is McKenzie…See: CARLY.  Last but not least (but close, like 8^th to least?) we met Tara who will surely end up on the “She does what???” Bachelor contestant job title Hall of Fame.  She’s a Sport Fishing Enthusiast.  I hate to be a one-upper, but I once slow-clapped while my big brother reeled in a small-mouth bass at the local canal.  Now onto the useless stuff…

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

·        The Bachelor hosted a red carpet event for the 1^st episode of the season that was as useless as a screen door on a submarine.  All you need to know is that Nikki introduced her two new friends to Bachelor fandom and Josh and Andi looked really happy together. 

·        The opening scenes featured farmer Chris channeling his inner Top Gun, riding down the road in all-black leather, ass-less chaps (at least they were in my mind), and aviators.  Shortly thereafter, Vegas released betting lines on the show and set the over/under for the number of times Chris Harrison has fantasized about farmer Chris singing “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” to him at 73. 

·        I think it went largely unnoticed, but did anyone else catch Chris pondering life on the steps of an abandoned building during the opening scenes and wave at the creepy, old, beat-up, windowless red molester van that rode by? 

·        Deleted Scene #1:  Chris Harrison, donning a fake moustache and glasses, turns the red molester van back around, rolls his window down, and tells farmer Chris his parents have sent him to pick him up and that there are bags on bags of candy waiting for him in the back of the van.

·        In a retrospective moment, Prince Farming wonders aloud, “Who would want to date a farmer from Iowa?”  I know someone, and his name rhymes with Dhris Marrison. 

·        I tried to think of some farmer jokes but everything I came up with was either really baaaa-d or just super corn-y.  I’m just not a good comedi-hen.

·        Chris is concerned about his crop while he’s away.  I wonder how big of a hit his annual celery will take.    

·        If I was a pharmacist working on farm, I would call myself a farmacist.  It would be so damn literal.

·        I grew up in a farm town in upstate NY.  Every Fall when the leaves started to…fall…there was this creepy guy who would walk around the village with an old rake and clean up everyone’s yards without their consent.  Most people in the village appreciated it, but he had a tough time picking up chicks being known as the village rakeist.

·        Before the limo arrived with Chris’ potential suitors we got a sneak peek at some of the women vying for his love.  Jillian, a national news producer, admits she can deadlift more than most guys she meets and thinks that may be intimidating to some guys.  DUH F*CKING DUH.

·        Alyssa is a flight attendant and had some killer one-liners, such as “Roses may be handed out if you’re interested in finding love” and “No smoking on this flight unless you’re smoking hot”.  I liked where her head was at but think she should have continued on.  “Push my call button if you want to make me come with one finger.”  “Just because we haven’t crashed doesn’t mean you can’t start searching for my box.”  “[Insert cock-pit / pea-nuts joke here]”. 

·        Kaitlyn, the dance instructor who appears to be an early front-runner, won the award for greatest line ever out of the limo:  “I know you’re a farmer…you can plow the f*ck out of my field every day.”  How he didn’t propose on the spot plows my mind. 

·        In the most memorable moment of episode 1, crazy Ashley S was in the middle of making a terrible “love is like an onion” analogy when all of a sudden she lost her sh*t because she thought she spotted an onion. It was actually a pomegranate.  She could have totally redeemed herself by saying, “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to find love, and I won’t take it for pomegranate.” 

·        In Kindergarten I had a pet onion named Pete that I would carry around everywhere.  One day I accidentally dropped Pete while crossing the street and he cracked in half.  I rushed him to the hospital and the Doctor gave me good and bad news.  Pete was going to survive, but he was going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life. 

·        The first group date featured the girls racing tractors through downtown LA.  One of the girls ran over two geese and got goose bumps.

·        Deleted Scene #2:  A sobbing Chris Harrison, dressed in Daisy Dukes and topless with the exception of a black leather vest, hops on a tractor and heads straight toward the girls in a game of chicken while blasting Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out For A Hero” on his boombox (some of you may be too young for this reference). 

·        The biggest mystery of the show revolves around why ABC keeps putting a black bar on Jillian’s a$$ when she’s walking around the house.  Tara believes it’s because she’s seen first-hand that Jillian has a super hairy derriere.  Jillian could have one-upped Kaitlyn’s first line out of the limo:  “I know you’re a farmer…you’ll need your tractor to plow my bush.”

·        If Chris were a betting man it would probably be safe for him to bet the farm that Jillian’s favorite First Lady is either Laura or Barbara Bush. 

·        Jimmy Kimmel stars in Episode 3 and absolutely kills it.  Probably the funniest episode in Bachelor history.  I had a pretty funny friend in high school named Kimmy Jimmel.  We called her Kim Jim for short.  If she were Asian I’m almost confident I would try to give her the nickname Kim Jim Un.

·        Jimmy sends Chris and Kaitlyn on a date to Costco and asks them to get enough ketchup to fill the hot tub with.  I didn’t think Kaitlyn had staying power in Heinzsight I was wrong – the date was a huge success. 

·        Another group date had the girls complete a race where they had to shuck corn, crack eggs, milk a goat and drink it, shovel manure, and finally wrestle a grease pig.  I get it if Chris wanted to test their farm skills, but drinking goat milk?  How dairy do that.  (I’m almost done with those, seriously.)

·        It would have sucked to have been the goat that Jillian milked.  This isn’t a joke, I’m just making an observation.

·        Jillian’s grip is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

·        Jillian heard nothing is stronger than her grip, so her grip tracked down nothing and killed it. 

·        Jillian finally got her first kiss from Chris in the hot tub.  Chris had to seek immediate medical attention for 2^nd degree burns from her moustache stubble. 

·        To open the 4^th episode, Chris’ two of Chris’ sisters and Kate Gosselin came from Iowa to interview some of the girls and choose a one-on-one date for Chris.

·        All the girls were excited to see Chris’ sisters except for Jillian who was drooling on a raft by the pool in what we can only assume was some sort of paleo-induced food coma.

·        Another group date featured several women going camping with Chris.  Ashley I, the virgin, virgin camper snuck away to get some alone time with Chris when the rest of the girls fell asleep.  The cameras had to stop rolling when it got too f*cking in-tents.   

·        Deleted Scene #3:  Chris Harrison slips on his black silk nighty and sneaks into Bachelor Chris’ tent but Ashley I. heard the tent unzip before he entered.  When confronted, Chris Harrison spoke in a deep manly voice, “Sorry...it’s me Jillian…wrong tent.”

·        During the camping excursion, the girls discover that Kelsey is phony bologna.  I once ate a slice of phony bologna and had to call in fake sick to work the next day. 

·        Chris Harrison keeps asking Bachelor Chris if he wants to play Brokeback Mountain.  More concerning is the fact that he keeps sneaking up behind Chris and spitting on his hand. 

·        Jade received the date card for her one-on-one and it read, “Your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening.”  She should have wrote Chris back and said, “I may be nervous but I promise I won’t gag when I get to the ball.”

·        On Jillian’s one-on-one date with Chris, she finally comes up for air and asks what has to be the worst one-on-one question in the history of the show, perhaps a strange modification of the game F-Marry-Kill. Drumroll please…and I quote, “Would rather sleep with a homeless girl or abstain from sex for four or five years.” 

·        Deleted Scene #4:  Jillian asked Chris Harrison, “F-Marry-Kill…Sean Lowe, Juan Pablo, and Chris Soules?”  Chris said he would kill Juan Pablo and immediately went into cardia arrest.

·        In the best moment of the season so far, Britt confronted Chris about giving Kaitlyn a rose and Chris put together a 45-second gem consisting of 18 separate, incomplete and incoherent sentences.  If I were Britt, I would have pretended to scratch invisible turn tables every time he started a new sentence.

That’s all for now folks.  It’s Game Day…let the vino flow the salmon of Capistrano.

The Bachelor Fantasy Recap: Week 3 (Sean Lowe)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

• Episode three opened with Sean doing a seated bench press, topless, in his staple nut-huggers.  BUMBLEBEE TUNA.
• Deleted Scene #1: Chris Harrison licking Sean’s back sweat off of the back of the bench press.
• Deleted Scene #2: Chris Harrison doing a seated bench press, topless, in Sean’s nut-huggers.
• Chris Harrison shows up to the house rocking the denim-on-denim look.  The man can do no wrong in my book.  Ironically, my book is also called “Chris Harrison Can Do No Wrong”.
• Sean and Leslie set a new Guinness record for the longest on-screen kiss, breaking the previous record of 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Coincidentally, they also broke the record for the longest 3 minutes and 16 seconds of television.
• Deleted Scene #3: Chris Harrison bets Sean a piggy-back ride that he and Sean could kiss on-screen for 3 minutes and 17 seconds. 
• The Guinness record for longest off-screen kiss was set last Friday night by Andrew Zelman at Lost Dog Tavern.  He broke his own record the following night at Stagecoach.
• Leslie said kissing Sean put her on Cloud 9. I’ve never been on Cloud 9, but I did share a three-way kiss once where one girl put me on Cloud 6 and the other girl put me on Cloud 3.  It felt pretty cool.
• You know the guy who invented “9 Minute Abs” was the Mac Daddy for years until some other guy invented “8 Minute Abs”.  I wonder if the guy who invented Cloud 8 is really bitter and has a picture of Cloud 9 on his dart board.
• This episode’s group date took the girls to the beach.  They played what appeared some sort of Special Olympics full-body dry-heave sporting event using a volleyball.
• After 45 minutes, the score of the game was 0-0 and Sean had 3^rd degree burns over 85% of his body. 
• The girls painted “S” on their bodies during the game for Sean.
• Deleted Scene #4: Chris Harrison, in a jealous rage, runs across the street to the tattoo parlor and gets a scarlet “S” tattooed around his belly button.
• I haven’t seen worse editing in a volleyball match since the Saved By The Bell crew shocked the world at the Malibu Sand Beach Club (Season 3, original air date September 21, 1991).
• Deleted Scene #5: Sarah was invited on the group date to play volleyball.
• If there is ever a group date where the girls have to reenact "YMCA" by The Village People, whoever doesn’t have Stacy on their team will have a leg up on the competition.   
• Prediction: Amanda is a serial killer.  She will poison all of the girls in the house and then attempt to knife Sean.  Right before the stabbing, Chris Harrison will jump in the way and the knife will pierce the Scarlet S.  Sean and Chris finally share a passionate kiss as Chris’ last breath passes.  Ratings gold.
• Kacie B pulled Sean aside on the group date in what appeared to be an unsuccessful attempt to hypnotize him with her lazy eye.
• Kacie B was a real lady when Lindsay got the rose instead of her, but her lazy eye wouldn’t stop flipping Lindsay the bird.
• Kacie B cried profusely but only one tear came out of her lazy eye.  It fell really, really slow down her face.  
• I had a friend in high school with a lazy eye.  We called him Pirate Pat.  If looks could kill, Pirate Pat could kill around corners. 
• While AshLee was waiting for Sean to pick her up for her 1-on-1 date, Tierra fell down the stairs off camera. I’m not a betting man, but if I were, I would bet the farm that Kacie B’s lazy eye tripped her.
• Sean knew Sarah would have a tough week because she didn’t have a date. I think most weeks are pretty tough for Sarah.
• Sean surprised Sarah by bringing her dog to the house.  Let’s be honest…you were waiting to see if the dog had four legs.
• Top 3 Quotes from this week’s show that I also heard Andrew Zelman say in the past 7 days:
• “I find myself really digging a lot of women and it’s blowing me away right now.”
• “I’m excited, this weeks dates were great, I’ve built really strong connections with several women and it’s important I get a chance to sit down with them.”
• “It’s been crazy with girl’s stealing me left and right.  It feels like every time I sit down with one girl, another girl swoops in."

Love,

-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 8 (Ashley Hebert season)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

Week 8 was very special to me as we saw the departure of Mr. Ames Brown. His forehead will always hold a very special place in my heart and has brought me tremendous joy over the past 8 weeks. The first part of this email is dedicated solely to that lovely piece of flesh. I would like to say that I think Ames is one of the most genuine, cool guys to ever hit the show. But nevertheless, the comedy must go on:

• It used to be fun when you would be drinking with a big group of friends and write on the forehead of the first guy who passed out. A friend of mine once had a sleepover with Ames and he passed out first. They were able to write half of the Bible on that bad boy.
• I had a dream that Ames walked into my apartment. I shook Ames’ hand first, and then I shook Ames’ forehead’s hand.
• Told this joke the other day…Ames walked into a bar. His forehead ducked.
• Ames’ forehead once one Connect Four in three moves.
• A buddy of mine once played golf with Ames. He said it was really annoying. Every time he hit a shot, they all had to yell ‘FOREHEAD!’
• Ames doesn’t believe in foreplay, he believes in forehead.
• Ames is a hedge fund manager. He would have a brighter future as a forehedge fund manager.
• Dos Equis has lied to you. Dos Equis man is not most interesting man in the world. Ames’ forehead is.
• I would only accept a Google+ invite from Ames’ forehead.
• Ames’ forehead knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
• I wonder how many variations of “Why did Ames’ forehead cross the road?” there are now.
• Ames’ once had a migraine but his forehead felt fine.
• The sweat from Ames’ forehead could cure cancer.
• Ames got pulled for speeding but his forehead talked its way out of the ticket.
• Elton John is actually trisexual. He likes men, women, and Ames’ forehead.
• Ames was on vacation in Japan in 2010. He was in the Indian ocean and accidentally scrunched his forehead. Perhaps you heard of the aftermath on the news…the Haiti Tsunami of 2010.
• Rumor has it that the real reason Ames got kicked off the show was because his forehead tested positive for steroids.
• AMES FOREHEAD JOKE BREAK...(sort of)...
• Ashley got to return home to Philadelphia. I once knew a girl from Philadelphia named Ashley. She also was a life suck.
• Comment most overhead by women on Saturday and Sunday mornings by the women of Buckhead: “There was a part of me that felt like I wasn’t 100% sure about saying goodbye to Ryan so early.”
• Ashley said Ames was one of the most unique guys she has ever met. Since when did people start using the word unique to describe large foreheads.
• Ashley doesn’t think Ames has any idea how unique he is. I once knew a guy named Dominique who was pretty unique. It was almost so damn literal.
• JP first kissed Ashley by flipping a coin and telling her, “Heads I get a kiss…tails I do not.” The next time he does that, he should try this variation: “Heads I get tail…tails I get head.”
• I once tried the above line on a girl. It was a double-tailed coin.
• Ashley asked if he was happy as a clam to be home. I never met a happy clam before, but if I ever do, I think it would be mean to eat it.
• I once ate an unhappy clam, and it upset my stomach.
• My Mom cooks a mean happy Apple Pie.
• Constantine’s sister Maria…HELLO! I just added 371 girls on Facebook named Maria who live in Cumming, GA. I heard back from one of them. It was a typo, his name was Mario. We are grabbing pizza this Wednesday night. Check please!
• Ashley joked that she cooks up a mean PBJ. If the P was not in there, it would be much cooler.
• TWSSMOTS (That’s What She Said Moment of the Show): Ashley said she likes her pizza organized. Constantine replied with, “that’s why your pepperoni’s are so perfect.”
• While the rest of Constantine’s family danced the jig in a circle, Grandma Constantine sat on the couch. She wanted to Dougie.
• Ames was really rude on his hometown date. He wouldn’t let his forehead get a word in edgewise.
• Ashley thinks Ames is like an onion, where you can keep peeling away and find more and more layers. I think Ames is more like one of those peanuts where you crack open the shell and there is nothing inside, except a large forehead.
• Ames’ parents both have normal sized foreheads. Weird. If I were Ames’ Dad, I would take a closer look at the old milkman.
• Ames told Ashley he was unpopular in high school. DFD! (Duh f*cking duh!).
• I bet Ames’ forehead was Homecoming King in high school.
• Ashley told Ames that they think the exact same way about things. It’s because Ames’ forehead can read minds.
• Ames once took his forehead to get its mind read. The mindreader’s head exploded.
• Ben was excited he finally has a chance to explore his emotional side. I once tried to explore my emotional side. I blacked out and woke up next to an empty bottle of Jameson, a midget, a priest, and I had a sore jaw.
• JP was trying to hint to Ashley that they were going roller skating by asking her “Think of fun indoor activities in the rain.” I yelled at the television, “JUST THE TIP!!”
• Andrew Zelman once took a girl roller skating. They made out 47 times before the first song was over.
• Ames was a gentleman after he was denied the final rose, but his forehead wouldn’t stop giving Ashley the middle finger.

Happy Bachelorette viewing tomorrow night. Stay tuned for the announcement of a BACHELORETTE FINALE VIEWING PARTY in Atlanta, coming next week.

Love,

-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 6 (Ashley Hebert)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

• The correct term for “dot dot dot” is ELLIPSIS – indicates the omission or suppression of words, or parts of words, in speech and writing.” I bet if you asked Ashley the definition of ELLIPSIS, she would tell you it is a piece of cardio equipment.
• Part of Ashley’s heart is with Bentley in the United States. Part of my heart is with Chris Harrison in Hong Kong.
• I once locked part of my heart in my car.
• Chris Harrison was rocking hipster gray shoes. I’m still holding out hope he will break out Jesus sandals, so they become hip again, and I can break mine out of the closet.
• If Jesus wore Jesus sandals, it would be so damn literal.
• If I played Donkey Kong in Hong Kong, I wonder if that would be so damn literal on any level.
• Chris Harrison is an amateur. If the man had any game, he would have told Ashley to show up to “Bentley’s room” with a blindfold on and advised her to go straight for the make-out sesh to see if there was still a spark. All the while giving her his room number. Duh.
• Ashley was outside of Bentley’s door for a solid 2 minutes before deciding to knock. I wonder if she was trying to knock mentally but no one was answering.
• I once met Bradley Cooper on a plane, and his breathtaking musk almost knocked me off my feet. I have never met Bentley, but I imagine Bentley’s musk > Bradley Cooper’s musk.
• When Ashley asked Bentley what he was doing in Hong Kong, he should have told her he had a hankering for some Kung Pao Chicken.
• Ashley told Bentley when he left it was “hard for me for days”. Bentley should have replied with, “I saw a commercial on TV…if it’s hard for more than 4 hours you should consult a doctor."
• I once took a Viagra but it got stuck in my throat. I had a stiff neck for hours.
• Lucas’ date card read, “Let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong.” If Lucas played the Hong Kong lottery on his date and won, that fortune cookie would have been so damn literal.
• Lucas said realizing his ex-wife wasn’t right for him was a tough thing to swallow. The hardest thing I’ve ever tried to swallow was 6 saltine crackers in 1 minute without water. 
• The group date card read “Let’s get our hearts racing!”. If Chris Harrison would have broken out a fresh bag of cocaine, it would have been so damn literal.
• Ames asked if Ashley wouldn’t mind if he kissed her. I once asked a girl that question and she replied with, “Is the Pope Catholic?” I said, “DUH!”, and walked away. In hindsight, I think I blew it.
• Line of the show I also heard from Zelman this week: "This week I have a one on one date and two group dates…and I’m so excited for every one of them.”
• The group date involved dragon boat racing. I bet Ames’ forehead could row faster than Ames.
• Ben F and Constantine decided to go shopping instead of recruiting people for their dragon boat race team. WINNING!
• Hong Kong guy proposed to Hong Kong girl after the dragon boat races. Ashley asked what the chances were. I would have told her > chances of Mickey’s hair gel beating Ames forehead in said HBO fight.
• Swimmers can shave off their body hair to become more aerodynamic. Unfortunately, Ames can not shave off his forehead.
• Ryan P decided to rock the goatee this episode. If he could somehow manage to get a goat to drink out of a cup full of tea, it would be so damn literal.
• Ames and Ashley shared their first kiss. Ames was overheard telling producers it was much better than the last guy he kissed.
• Did Ames kiss Ashley, or was it a contest to see who could push each other’s faces harder with their noses.
• Mickey said Ryan P would not get a rose, but he did. Mickey then commented that he is going to keep his mouth shut because everything he says won’t happen actually does happen. If I were Mickey, I would find a camera and state, “Ashley will not turn into Emily.”
• Blake doesn’t want to play second fiddle to anyone. If Justin Bieber ever needed a second fiddle player, I would volunteer.
• It would have been the most dramatic cocktail party ever if Ashley told everyone she couldn’t drink at the party because she had mentally slept with Brad Womack last season and they were mentally 6 months preggers.
• Ashley wanted to make all of the guys feel great but she doesn’t know how to do it. She needs to learn about mental happy endings.
• Ames received the last rose. He looked relieved, but his forehead was giving Ashley the evil eye.

No standings updates and no best texts received. Sorry I'm not sorry it's a holiday weekend. Happy 4th of July!

Love,

-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 5 (Ashley Hebert)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:
· Everyone seems to believe Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love with Ashley. I think the perfect place to fall in love with Ashley would be in the back of a '57 Chevy.
· Ben F tried on a Thai hat that didn't fit and Ashley said "Your head is too big." If I were Ben F, I would have responded with, "It's not the motion in the ocean that counts, it's the size of the wave."
· Let's get this over with...Top 3 Quotes From The Show That Were Also Heard In Andrew Zelman's Bedroom This Weekend:
1. "If you can't find romance in this type of environment, you're hopeless." - Multiple guys regarding Chiang Mai
2. "I've never seen anything like this in my entire life." - Ashley regarding the temple her and Ben F sat outside of.
3. "Your head is too big." - See above.
· Ben F and Ashley could not physically kiss outside of the Chiang Mai temple because it is sacrilegious to kiss there. Instead, they shared a "mental kiss". I don't even know where to begin, but here goes nothing:
o I never mental kiss on the first date.
o I once had a mental kiss. I immediately needed to smoke a cigarette afterward.
o The girl I had a mental kiss with had eaten garlic fries on our mental date and had mental bad breath. It was a deal breaker.
o I once tried to have mental sex, but I was out drinking all night and had whiskey mind.
o I wonder what percentage of Americans have mental STDs.
o What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except for mental herpes. That sh*t will come back with you.
o I once got a girl mentally pregnant. I thought a good name for our mental baby would be Rodrigo. She did not agree, but we had a mental miscarriage so it ended up being an irrelevant argument.
o If Zelman was in a mental night club, I guarantee he would sneak in at least 3 mental drunk makeouts.
o I once received a mental happy ending from a Thai "masseuse". We are still Facebook friends to this day.
· Ben F and his best friend from middle school learned how to make wine, and they are now millionaires starting on their second vinyard. My best friend from middle school and I made lemonade and sold each glass for $1. It tasted like dogsh*t and we never got the traction we envisioned, even after we laced it with orange juice. I defriended him on Facebook a year ago.
· ABC kept cutting away to flaming fire when Ben F and Ashley were kissing. If I were on the show, I would request ABC cut away to a whale's blowhole shooting water out. No rhyme or reason, I just think it would be awesome.
· The group date took place at a Thailand martial arts training center. It would have been great if the Thai head master mentally kissed Ashley in front of all of the guys.
· Ryan P said the martial arts training was testosterone at its finest. I had a mental health check-up the other day and they said my mental testosterone was low. Sorry I'm not sorry for drinking Mountain Dew.
· JP got to fight Mickey. He should have called him Minnie to get inside his head.
· Poor Ames. I tried to put myself in his shoes by imagining me having to attend a Georgia Frat Boy Look-A-Like contest.
· Ames got his face beat in. At first I thought his forehead was swollen, but then I remembered it was Ames.
· Ames is smooth, but if he wanted to step his game up he should tell Ashley, "I'm all for head" and wink at her. ZING!
· Ames was put on a stretcher and taken to a Thai hospital. Or so ABC would like you to think. I can actually read Thai, and the sign on the door of the "hospital" actually said "Happy Endings: Buy 2 Get 1 Free!". Crazy Thai ambulance drivers...
· When Ames showed up to the cocktail hour, it would have been hilarious if Ryan P socked him in the face again.
· Apparently golfing is a lot like making love. Lucas, showing Ashley how to swing a golf club: "The ball's right here. You always want to cock your wrist. Feet parallel to the shoulders. Bend your knees. Now stick out your butt."
· William and Ben C were chosen to go on the dreaded 2 on 1 date. William commented that "2 dudes and 1 girl is awkward." No William, it's natural.
· Ben C got sent home and had to ride a raft back with two Thai dudes. 2 Thai dudes and 1 dude would be awkward.
· William said the best thing that could happen on his date with Ashley is that the sparks would fly again. He obviously has never had mental sex before.


Happy Bachelorette Viewing!

Love,
-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 4 (Ashley Hebert)

RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:

Chris Harrison is such a damn trendsetter. The first three episodes he wore skinny ties, and I have purchased three since. Last week he wore a gold watch, and my Rolex is in the mail. I really hope he rocks Jesus sandals next week.

When Chris Harrison announced they would all be going to Thailand, everyone erupted in cheer. I wonder what percentage of guys were excited about a free trip to an exotic country and what percentage of guys were excited about the thought of legal prostitution.

Statistics show 1 in 10 people have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). So at least 1 person was not excited about traveling to Thailand.

If I were a betting man, I would bet the farm that Ryan P is the one with IBS. Sure, that cheesy smile makes him appear happy, but deep down he is likely just clenching.

Ashley wanted to know what the best things to do in Thailand were. Hint, one of those things rhymes with “regal trostitution”.

Line of the show you would hear Andrew Zelman say on a weekly basis if he were female: "I’m trying to plan a date here. I have 12 guys here, and they’re hot."

I wonder if the Thai people have ever seen The Bernie.

Ben F is super excited to see Ashley in Thailand. I like to picture my Ashley in a tuxedo t-shirt.

Constantine had a nice topless shaving shot before his date. If only Constantine were Brad Womack.

Constantine said regarding his date with Ashley, “Best case scenario – we got out and have a blast today and get to know each other better.”

I think the best case scenario on any date is to agree to add each other on Facebook before the date is over. A distant second best scenario would be a smush session.

ABC showed Creepy Thailand guy talking in Thai to Ashley and Constantine and the subtitles indicated that he was telling them the waves were too rough to go out on the water. However, Hickey can talk Thai. Hickey talk Thai very well. Creepy Thailand guy actually asked Constantine if he was interested in a 19-year old prostitute.

Free advice for dudes. If you go on a first date, do not wear a light grey shirt. Pit stains are a deal-breaker in any country.

Moment of the show where I hit the pause button and played Michael Jackson's "Heal the World": When the group date card read “Let’s make the world a better place.” It made things much more literal.

Taking Creepy Thailand guy’s advice on marriage, Constantine proposed a toast to “not trying to win.” Charlie Sheen would call this an epic fail.

Constantine asked Ashley to race down the streets in Thailand. It would have been funny if while they were racing, Thailand police jumped out of the bushes and started to beatdown Constantine. I don’t know why it would be funny, but it would be funny.

Constantine and Ashley sat Indian-style on their date. I would have been screwed. I tried to sit Indian style while watching that scene and had to call my leasing office the next morning to help me unlock my legs.

Ashley said she felt good just being next to Constantine on their date. If I had a nickel for every time a girl told me that I would have 5 cents, if by girl I meant guy.

I wish Ashley had asked Constantine why his parents named him Constantine.

Constantine gave Ashley a piggy back ride into the ocean. I bet he just really had to pee.

Ben F wanted to personalize things at the orphanage and painted an elephant on the wall with Ashley. If I were Ben F, I would have painted a Wendy’s logo and told Ashley I taste great even late.

Ryan P had a shirt on that said “Cuba”. If his shirt said “Thailand”, it would have been so damn literal.

After the contestants finished the home renovations, the Thai kids ran out of the woods and gave high-fives and hugs. Statistics show 1 in 10 of them will become legal prostitutes.

Quote of the show I hear on a weekly basis: “I think the reason the guys feel irritated with Ryan is because of the intimidation factor."

Ashley referenced JP's shaved head when stating how sexy he was. So you're saying there's a chance!

Ames' date card read "It's more romantic in the rain." Enough said. If I were Ames I would have just showed up naked.

Is it true you can't get pregnant from "romancing" in the rain? Or is that just hot tubs?

I know it was raining, but Ames should have not ran to Ashley. I zoomed out on the TV and could have sworn my TV magically switched to National Geographic, where they were airing a scene of a baby deer standing on its legs for the first time on National Geographic.

Instead of saying baby deer, I was going to say “fawn”, but I question the intelligence of those on this email list.

If I were Ames’, I would not hesitate to the drop the “You know what they say about guys with big foreheads…” line.

Ames' forehead should be its own contestant.

Ames took a Thai cooking class in Thailand. If he were wearing Ryan P’s “Thailand” shirt, it would be so damn literal.

Ames told Ashley, "The last minute is the best minute." If I had to vote for the most confusing minute I would vote for 12:00…because I never know whether to call it AM or PM.

Regarding her kayak trip through the Thailand mountains, Ashley stated, “This is the most beautiful place I could ever imagine." Incorrect. That would be Zelman's bedroom.

Ames and Ashley felt like they were on the Titanic on their boat trip. It would have been a perfect time for Ames to ask Ashley if he could paint a nude portrait of her.

Ames said he couldn’t focus on Ashley because he was "dumbfounded by the views." I’m not sure “founded by the views” was a necessary part of his sentence.

Ames charmed the pants off of me. For a second there I swore he took on the shape of a unicorn.

Moment of the show that left me waiting for the punchline: Ames - “Ashley and I didn’t kiss tonight but we did something much more intimate than kiss…we talked about very serious things.”

Ashely said her woman’s intuition is telling her there is more there with Bentley. I wonder if it’s also telling her that she does not need to get breast implants.

West is going home. If he was heading back to the East coast it would not really be literal.

BEST TEXTS RECEIVED DURING THE SHOW:1. Kellan "The Saint" Quinn: "'Are you getting wet?' would be my first question on a date, and the answer would most likely be yes."
2. "Nurse" Gavin Hickey: "I am drunk. Raime told me to I had to take a shot every time Ashley mentioned Bentley."
3. Justin "I'm Not A" Messer: (Regarding Ames' charm): "I had to close one eye to even look at him."
4. Brenda "B-Nice" Richelt: "Can we get The Bachelor soundtrack for the 1050 pool?"



You can do anything you set your mind to. Set your mind to blackout this weekend.



Love,
-Hickey

Bachelorette Fantasy Recap: Week 3 (Ashley Hebert)

Spiders. Old Spice Deodorant. Cabbage. Snuggies. Chest hair. Busy signals. Red pens. Thumb tacs. Tic Tacs. Race tracks. Chest hair. Halogen light bulbs. Crabs (Hermit, not STD). John Denver. Denver Nuggets. Clowns. Face tattoos. The Notebook. Ketchup packets. Chest hair. Dead bolts. Bentley.
This is a list of things I have nightmares about.

Three weeks into Ashley's search for true television romance and the tension is palpable. I don't know about you, but I haven't had a tingling sensation this tingling-y since my 2nd grade (male) teacher gave me that special back rub after snack time. Will Ashley be able to overcome Bentley's heartbreaking blow? Will Mickey run out of hair gel? Will William ask people to start calling him Bill?
RANDOM SCRIBBLINGS WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW:· In Week 2, Creepy Mask Guy revealed he had a brain hemorrhage 5 years ago. I promised not to make fun of Creepy Mask Guy anymore. But then I saw Creepy Mask Guy in his creepy mask.
· I hope Ashley is not a vegetarian, because Ben C has more hamburger meat (chest hair sticking out of his shirt) than any man I’ve ever seen. 2-4 strands of hamburger meat away from Gorilla status.
· I could have choreographed a much better flash mob than Ashley and in much less time. We simply would have done The Bernie, and it would have rocked.
· Ben earned my respect with his dance moves. Ben lost my respect when he sang along to “Fly Like a G6”.
· Ashley should have flashed the mob during the flash mob. It would have been so damn literal.
· Far East Movement played a concert in the courtyard. It’s a good thing they announced their band name, because before that I was convinced it was a group of Asian mimes pretending to be in a band.
· It would have been great if the Asian mimes started doing The Bernie.
· Going to an Asian mime show would be a cool first date.
· Ben could have earned my respect back if he asked Far East Movement to play Freebird.
· Ben wants to live in a bubble with Ashley and be the most idealistic couple ever. If I lived in a bubble, I would want to live in a bubble with Michael Jackson’s monkey named Bubbles. In a weird way it would be so damn literal.
· Ben C wanted to know if it’s ok to put emoticons in his texts to girls. DUH!
· When Creepy Mask Guy took his creepy mask off, ABC cut away to a squirrel and a bird. If I was wearing a creepy mask and took it off, I would request ABC cut away to a flaming unicorn.
· It would have been an epic fail if when Creepy Mask Guy took his creepy mask off Ashley said, “Epic fail.”
· Creepy Mask Guy thinks the comedy club roast is right up his alley. I think the only thing that would be right up his alley is a Creepy Mask Off, in which contestants tried on Creepy Mask Guy's creepy mask to see if they could look creepier than Creepy Mask Guy.
· Jeffrey Ross (host of the Roast) stated “if you can make a woman laugh at herself, you can make her do anything." I immediately called Zelman and told him I would sell him my “How to Make Women Laugh At Themselves for Dummies” book for $2,500 and he said yes without hesitation.
· Ashley took offense to being called Brad Womack’s leftovers. I saw it as a compliment. If I were about to go to the electric chair, I would request my last meal be Brad Womack’s leftovers.
· Thank you to Bentley for confirming girls love bad guys who will treat them like complete dogsh*t (this is not meant to be funny, I’m simply making a (bitter) statement).
· Bentley said 60% of guys are “boob guys”. I wonder what percentage of guys have man boobs.
· Lines heard on last week’s show most I have also heard Andrew Zelman say in the past week:
o “I’m at a disadvantage because she hasn’t seen my face yet.” (Creepy Mask Guy)
o “She’s digging what I’m putting out and I’m gonna go in for the kill.” (Bentley)
o “It’s annoying to just hold a girl that’s just crying and crying and crying.” (Bentley)
o “I can’t believe all these guys wanna date me.” (CHECK PLEASE!)
· Ashley is a stiff-lipped kisser. I once kissed a stiff-lipped kisser and immediately defriended her on Facebook. And that never happens.
· Ashley and Chris Harrison agree that “dot dot dot” is better than a period. I wonder where semicolons fall in this hierarchy.
· I feel like “semicolon” should be spelled “semi;colon”. It would be so damn literal.
· Ashley wanted to know why JP was single. If I were JP, I would have said, “I’m not sure. But if I worked at UPS I imagine I would never hear a complaint about my package if you know what I’m sayin’”.
· Disclaimer: the above line is only effective with the wink and the gun afterward. Double-gun may be required.
· Ashley wanted JP to put on his PJs. That is almost so damn literal.
· At the final rose ceremony, William stated that he felt like a giant a$$ for what he said to Ashley during the roast. You are what you eat? Check please!


Have a great week and Happy Bachelorette viewing tomorrow.

Love,
-Hickey